Feeling a heavy heart about how I treated a dear sister in Islam
Assalamu alaikum, English isn't my first language so please bear with me. Okay, so there are things from my past I deeply, deeply regret. One big one is from primary school. I had this one friend, honestly she was like a sister to me. We used to spend so much time together, our little sisters would play while we'd hang out at her place, we’d write silly stories and swap them, all that. But then, something changed in me? I’m being completely honest here, I don’t even know why. I started feeling this… irritation towards her. Like, everything she did bothered me, and instead of telling her honestly, I started being mean. I’d mock her actions or repeat her words in an annoying way, acting clueless that she’d done it first. And it wasn’t just her, it happened with almost everyone close to me. Sometimes it was jealousy-like seeing another girl eat freely because she was slim would spark this automatic dislike. But other times, it was just this sudden, unexplained anger. I hated everything about her, everything she did. She also had some struggles with understanding Islam; she didn't get to study it properly like some of us did when we were younger. Once, she asked me, ‘What does iman mean?’ and instead of explaining, I just said, ‘You don’t know??’ I pushed her down because of her lack of knowledge, and I think I did that to others too, like I always needed to feel like the most knowledgeable person in the room. I never wanted to be that way. All the people I hurt were people I truly loved. I’m not sure about her faith now, but I once saw her wearing a cross necklace. It fills me with so much guilt. What if my actions made her dislike Islam? I don’t know her current beliefs for sure, but I saw her comment on something once about a young girl in a Muslim wedding dress getting married, and she said, ‘Maybe this religion isn’t for me.’ But that’s culture, not deen! Still, I’ve seen her share posts appreciating Muslim sisters who wear hijab, calling them beautiful and creative. I feel like I’ve earned a place in Hellfire. I don’t want that. I’ve apologized to her for being toxic and putting her down, and she seemed to accept it? But I never specifically mentioned how I belittled her about religious matters. Does anyone know if there’s more I should do, or is my current effort enough? I feel like I’m not doing my absolute best, but it’s all I can think of right now. I make dua every day for guidance and forgiveness, and I pray for an answer soon. To anyone who read all this, jazakallahu khayran, and may Allah bless you and grant you ease. 🤍