Coping with Intense Waswasa - Assalamu alaykum

Assalamu alaykum dear brothers and sisters, Please ignore my username - it’s just something I didn’t choose. I want to make clear this isn’t seeking pity. Of course the correct answer is to put one’s trust in Allah swt, since He alone brings true peace, but when you’re in it alone it can feel overwhelming. Maybe I overthink to an unhealthy degree, and long periods of isolation don’t help, yet I’m trying to improve my service to Allah swt by any means I can. After a draining day I try to rest and do dhikr. I struggle to sleep in one solid block, so I wake up naturally for fajr. After praying I sometimes go back to bed hoping to get a couple more hours - and this is when shaytan attacks. I keep having dreams that deeply unsettle me about the state of my heart, and I wake up with heavy anxiety that follows me through the day. The doubts aren’t about Allah swt but about my own sincerity. It feels like thoughts are placed into my mind from outside, tormenting me and dredging up past moments to tell me I’m a hypocrite or vile. I grew up in a religious home and developed a sincere love for Allah swt, His Messenger saws and the angels, though I only began practicing in my early to mid-twenties. I once had powerful, clear dreams about the Messenger saws and even about crossing as‑Siraat; those dreams strengthened me, but they stopped years ago. I used to live an outgoing life with heavy partying, yet by the mercy of Allah swt I avoided zina. Since practicing I’ve had highs and lows, but I never forget that my final abode is at stake and that I must keep repenting to the Most Merciful and truly rely on Him alone. I say all this to give context to where I am now. Things I did as a teen weigh heavily on me. I regret what I said and did out of ignorance - only Allah truly knows my repentance. Back then I didn’t understand the gravity of backbiting or the wisdom of not sharing private faults with people who might harm you. I didn’t know better, and that’s the honest truth. Like many from my generation, I was influenced by pop culture that encouraged rebelling against parents, so I trusted people I shouldn’t have and told them things I ought not to have. I cut ties with someone years ago, alhamdulillah, because they kept bringing up my past. Some people only remember you by your mistakes. I have an elderly mother who deserves a strong, upright child. Instead I feel my mind breaking under the fear that these people might reveal my past mistakes - even things that might show I didn’t treat my parents perfectly. What haunts me is long gone, but shaytan keeps at it. Not a day passes without thoughts of death; sometimes I see it as relief, yet I must remain here for my mother - she depends on me and I need to be strong for her. I look at her and tears come because I fear I have failed her before. Getting married might help, but my priority is to serve my mother, even if my life must revolve around her wellbeing. Alhamdulillah I’m blessed with righteous company now, but I don’t want to burden anyone; this inner struggle wears me down every day. I trust Allah swt will ease this at some point. He has answered my cries before and all praise is due to Him. For anyone in a similar situation, this dua helped me: اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ Transliteration: Allahumma innee a’uzubika min alhammi wal huzni wal ajzi wal kasli wal bukhli wal jubni wa dala’id dayni wa galabatir rijaal. Meaning: O Allah, I seek refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by people. (Sahih al‑Bukhari) I already feel a bit lighter just writing this down. May Allah swt grant us al‑Firdaus and reward us for striving in these tests.