Can my fate still change?

Assalamu alaikum, dear brothers and sisters. I shared some of my pain here before, and now I'm pouring out more of what's suffocating me. My mental illness, this schizophrenia my Lord placed on me as a test, makes each day a crushing weight. I used to feel so close to Allah, like He truly loved me, but now I sense only emptiness and abandonment. We even traveled across mosques-from Quebec to Ontario-for ruqya rituals, and no, it's not a jinn inside me. I can't see the unseen or win against this. I'm not looking for help; I just need to cry out. Nothing touches me unless Allah wills it, and my destiny felt cursed from the start. Allah is the greatest, no matter what. Honestly, I've made peace with the end. Whether He is angry or will forgive me, I just want to meet Him soon. I don't care about hell anymore-this life itself is hell right now. Please, I'm so tired of hearing 'be patient' or 'Allah is Merciful.' I know those truths, but my heart can't carry them anymore. Why did He create me? I was fine before existence, yet part of me is glad I lived. It's just unfair that my soul seems doomed to fire. Why do some of you get paradise while I'm left here? Are you simply better than me? It's not fair-I never chose these illnesses.