As-Salamu Alaykum everyone, I need some advice about faith and feelings
Salam everyone, I'm a 16-year-old Muslim sister who's been having some struggles with my faith recently. For about a year now, I've been feeling really down, but I hide it well so nobody knows. My parents aren't perfect - they've said hurtful things and were harsh with discipline when I was younger - but I still love them. What makes me feel most ashamed is that a big part of why I feel this way is because I've never experienced being cared for by someone in that special way. I feel insecure about how I act and how I look, and like I mentioned, I've never had anyone show romantic interest in me. I know we're not supposed to have haram relationships before marriage, but I worry: if I'm not attractive physically or in my personality, if I'm not fun to be around, how will I ever find a good spouse when I'm older? If I can't even attract attention now, how will someone ever choose me for marriage? Sometimes I blame myself - for loving anime when apparently some people find it off-putting, for dressing modestly when other girls my age don't, for taking my studies seriously when others seem more carefree. But honestly, it hurts to feel completely overlooked, like you're not even an option. These feelings have been building for years, but now in high school seeing other people happy together makes it harder. I've started doing things I'm not proud of - like skipping meals to try to lose weight or constantly trying to please people so they'll like me. For months now, I've been having thoughts I know are wrong, and I feel guilty just for having them. I remember my Islamic teacher saying that Muslims who take their own lives show ingratitude to Allah and have weak faith, and that depression means you're not being a good Muslim. Honestly, this made me pull back from my prayers too. If I'm already considered weak for having these thoughts, what's the point in trying? If anyone has been through something similar or has advice on how to get better, I'd really appreciate it. JazakAllah Khair for listening.