When Ramadan Gets Too Heavy: My Struggle with Anxiety and Depression

Assalamu alaikum, friends. I just had to share this because it's weighing on me. This Ramadan, instead of being active and spiritual, I've mostly been stuck in bed sleeping-which I know isn't the point of fasting. But staying awake makes me so anxious that I've broken down crying multiple times today, and I'm scared those old, harmful thoughts I thought I'd moved past are coming back. Honestly, going without food and water isn't the big deal for me. What's hard is feeling like everything I do this month has to matter more, so I've had to give up things that usually bring me comfort, like music, my art projects, and casual gaming. I believe there's barakah in letting go, but without those, nothing else brings me joy. I've had clinical depression for years, and some days I can't even manage to brush my teeth, let alone pray like I should. When I have prayed over the last six years, it left me a sobbing mess, wishing for bad things to happen to me, and that guilt eats me alive. I keep worrying that all my daily mistakes-not wearing hijab, missing prayers, listening to music-are canceling out every good deed I've ever done. Or maybe I did something terrible I've forgotten that's made me lose all my hasanat. These thoughts have been lurking for three years, but Ramadan shoves them front and center, and I just end up crying in bed, begging Allah for forgiveness. I'm afraid people will say, 'Muslims shouldn't be depressed; it means weak iman,' or 'You're too hooked on dunya, shame on you.' I don't know, I'm just exhausted from this nausea-like anxiety and faking that I'm fine when every hour awake feels like a war not to burst into tears around my family, in class, at work, or alone.