Stuck in a painful cycle - need guidance and dua
As-salamu alaykum. I’m in my twenties and I’ve been dealing with very dark, heavy thoughts for years. I don’t want to die, but most days I also don’t feel like living. When I’m out and about my mind often jumps to worst-case scenarios and then I panic about surviving and ending up worse off. It feels like I’m constantly at war with my own head. I mess up a lot, let myself down, and can’t keep anything consistent. Sometimes I’ll feel close to Allah for a day or two - say astaghfirullah, read Qur’an - and then suddenly crash and can’t force myself to do anything. I feel guilty because I have a home, food, and health, so I bury how I truly feel and pretend I’m fine. But I’m not. I once went to a doctor a few years back when things got bad and she suggested medication. I don’t really want meds, and I’m not even sure I’m clinically depressed. I just don’t know how to build a life that feels worth living. I feel too weak for this world. Most days I’m miserable. I only leave the house for work or university. I have goals and dreams, but after a couple days I give up and slip back into the same loop. I’m tired of being like this and I don’t understand why my mind works this way. Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you break the cycle and start healing? Any advice, practical steps, or duas you found helpful would mean a lot. JazakAllahu khairan.