Struggling with My Connection to Islam - Need Some Advice
As-salamu alaykum, everyone. I'm going through a confusing phase with my faith and my relationship with Islam feels complicated. I’d really appreciate some guidance. So, a bit about me: I was raised in a Muslim household. My parents are religious but have a more relaxed approach sometimes because we come from a well-off family. Both of them smoke, they allow me to have female friends, watch movies, and listen to music. My sister is free to wear what she wants as long as it’s modest; they don’t force her to wear the hijab, just advise her gently. But with me, it’s different. They expect me to pray, read the Quran, and strive to be a “better” Muslim. My dad used to make me go to the mosque with him every day, which could get really frustrating. He’d enroll me in Quran classes without asking, and he’d get upset if I refused. My mom encourages me to pray but isn’t strict about it. I’ve moved out for college, and ever since, I can’t stop thinking about Islam and what being a Muslim means to me. Honestly, I don’t enjoy the idea of making wudu and praying five times daily; I’m just lazy by nature. I smoke weed quite a bit and sometimes drink with friends, which I know isn’t right. I also lie sometimes. Recently, I went through a “glow up” - lost weight, built some muscle, got a fresh haircut - and now I get a lot more attention from women. I’ve never had a wife before, so this new attention is affecting how I see relationships. I worry about zina and other serious sins. In short, I sin a lot. I skip prayers and don’t keep up with the Quran, but I still love Islam deeply. I don’t see myself as having left the faith, but some Muslim friends mock me and say I might as well be an ex-Muslim because of how I live. They look down on me for not praying and for doing things that are haram. Sometimes, guilt overwhelms me and I pray for a while, but it usually doesn’t last. It hurts me when I see Islamophobic posts or protests, and I envy those who are more devout. I wish I could be more committed to practicing. What I can’t figure out is why I love Islam so much even though I’m aware of my sins and the consequences. I don’t want to hate the religion, but I’m also not ready to fully practice it - it feels like too much effort, and I’m just too lazy to pray regularly. If anyone can share advice or guidance on how to reconnect with my faith without feeling overwhelmed or lost, I’d be really grateful. JazakAllahu khairan.