Struggling with an Unexpected Love
As-salamu alaykum, everyone. I want to share something personal, though I’m not sure how to begin. I’ll keep it short. It may sound unusual, but I feel very lost, and that’s why I’m opening up here. Many of you are married and experienced women, so maybe you’ll understand what I’m going through. I’m a 31-year-old unmarried woman, practical and mature. I’m not some young girl obsessed with romance, nor have I been naive about men. I live in a city full of diverse people from many backgrounds. Some time ago, I watched a film and found myself deeply drawn to the eyes, face, and character of one of the actors. My heart and soul fixated on him. For some, it might seem normal for a woman to like a man, but this is new for me. I’m not flirtatious, and even in my school and college days surrounded by boys, I never felt this way-not even as a teenager. I won’t say his name, but he’s a well-known English actor rising in popularity. I’m Muslim and fully aware it’s not right to dwell so much on a non-mahram man. Some might say it’s shaytan whispering, which is why Islam advises us to lower our gaze. But I’ve lived around men all my life without feeling this before. If it were truly shaytan’s influence, I’d have sinful thoughts, but by Allah, I have not. Yet here I am, powerless against my heart. Allah created the heart, after all, and it doesn’t know religion or borders. This actor probably doesn’t even know I exist among millions of fans. Still, his face plays over and over in my mind day and night. I try to forget, I pray, but I don’t find peace in worship anymore. I keep busy with work and chores, but my mind drifts. When people speak to me, I see him in my thoughts. This isn’t just a passing feeling-it’s been over 11 months, and I still can’t let go. I avoid anything about him on my phone, but videos and clips appear anyway. I try to control my heart, but I can’t. I’ve lost appetite and energy. If I asked scholars, they’d likely say I’m neglectful or warn me of sin and punishment. Here, people judge without understanding. He is Jewish, what we call a non-Muslim, but my heart won’t listen. I pray for his well-being daily. Learning more about him, I found he’s kind and humble. No social media or relationships, just kindness and charity. Despite cultural differences, he lives simply and helps many in need without boasting. Every day, this love grows quietly inside me. When I was younger, I read about Zulaikha’s love for Prophet Yusuf and now I truly feel what it means to love someone sincerely beyond religion or distance. I try to reason with myself, but I know I won’t find such feelings for another man. First it was his looks, then his character. He’s not Muslim, but he’s truly good. What can I do now? I cannot share this with family or friends because of how people might react. Maybe you think I’m single and that’s why I feel this way, but I swear I have never had any inappropriate thoughts or desires. I just want his happiness and keep him in my prayers. Please, if you have advice, I’m ready to listen. I know my heart won’t change easily. If forgetting him was possible, I would have done it by now. But I can’t. My family wants me to marry soon, no matter who the husband is. Before all this, I had no specific preference-I was just an ordinary Pakistani girl expecting a simple married life. But now it feels impossible. I struggle to breathe sometimes. My feelings are pure; there’s no ill intention or lust. Only prayers and love. I understand this is not acceptable in Islam, and I feel the weight of that. Yet I have no control over my heart. I pray, I cry, but the feelings stay. I’m suffocating inside but can’t tell anyone. How will I live like this? Day by day, I can’t forget him. I avoid his pictures, but if a video appears, my heart races uncontrollably. I even saw a doctor and took medicine, but nothing changed. His memory never leaves me. Now I truly understand what Zulaikha must have felt for Yusuf (alayhissalam).