Struggling to Reconnect with Islam After a Painful Childhood - Need Advice, Assalamu Alaikum

Assalamu Alaikum, Quick backstory: I grew up in a South Asian Muslim household where my parents were total opposites. My dad was more cultural than practicing and somewhat educated, while my mom was very religious and not very educated. It was an arranged marriage - they met maybe twice before getting married. Their differences, plus mistreatment from in‑laws and other issues, led to constant fighting. I remember them arguing from as far back as I can recall. After we moved to the US when I was young, things got worse. There was physical abuse between them (mainly my dad), and I found myself trying to stop things from age five. My dad openly mocked Islam. He used to tease me whenever the adhan played on my phone. Still, between ages 12–14 I was very religious: praying all five daily prayers, doing the rakats, and reading Qur’an. I did it mostly to earn my mother’s love - she insisted life would improve if I followed Islam and told me Allah tests those who love Him. I hoped praying would change our lives, but it didn’t. Even so, I kept practising. As I got older, doubts crept in. I started asking hard questions my mother couldn’t answer. My dad knew more about certain stories and used that to mock her, which made things worse. Now I still identify as Muslim in practice mostly - I eat halal, avoid sex outside marriage, and don’t do drugs - but my faith feels weak. Lately I’ve thought about leaving Islam to feel free. What stops me is that I haven’t studied it properly, I fear death and punishment in the Hereafter, and I’m torn between believing in one God or none. Seeing lots of criticism online about religions including Islam has made me avoid learning more. Some issues bothering me are: • Free will vs. eternal punishment and Allah’s knowledge: If Allah is All‑Knowing and knew some people would end up in Hell, why create them? I try to reconcile this with the idea we chose before creation, but it still troubles me. • Aisha’s young age at marriage: I’ve tried the usual explanations - different era, maturity, context - but deep down I’m uncomfortable and can’t fully make peace with it. • Sex and female captives: I understand the historical context of prisoners of war and that Islam improved many rights for captives then, encouraged freeing slaves, and that slavery isn’t practiced today. Still, it bothers me that intercourse with a female captive was permitted under certain conditions while consensual relations outside marriage are forbidden. I know Islam is more than rules - the Qur’an speaks wisdom and lessons through the prophets - but because of my upbringing and the critiques I’ve seen, I don’t even feel able to open the Qur’an and research: it feels easier to just walk away. I can’t turn to my parents or friends about this. I’m stuck in a confusing grey zone and really need guidance. How can I approach learning about Islam honestly while dealing with my trauma and doubts? What steps can I take to study in a way that’s safe and respectful to my feelings? JazakAllah khair for any advice.