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Struggling to Reconnect with Islam After a Painful Childhood - Need Advice, Assalamu Alaikum

Assalamu Alaikum, Quick backstory: I grew up in a South Asian Muslim household where my parents were total opposites. My dad was more cultural than practicing and somewhat educated, while my mom was very religious and not very educated. It was an arranged marriage - they met maybe twice before getting married. Their differences, plus mistreatment from in‑laws and other issues, led to constant fighting. I remember them arguing from as far back as I can recall. After we moved to the US when I was young, things got worse. There was physical abuse between them (mainly my dad), and I found myself trying to stop things from age five. My dad openly mocked Islam. He used to tease me whenever the adhan played on my phone. Still, between ages 12–14 I was very religious: praying all five daily prayers, doing the rakats, and reading Qur’an. I did it mostly to earn my mother’s love - she insisted life would improve if I followed Islam and told me Allah tests those who love Him. I hoped praying would change our lives, but it didn’t. Even so, I kept practising. As I got older, doubts crept in. I started asking hard questions my mother couldn’t answer. My dad knew more about certain stories and used that to mock her, which made things worse. Now I still identify as Muslim in practice mostly - I eat halal, avoid sex outside marriage, and don’t do drugs - but my faith feels weak. Lately I’ve thought about leaving Islam to feel free. What stops me is that I haven’t studied it properly, I fear death and punishment in the Hereafter, and I’m torn between believing in one God or none. Seeing lots of criticism online about religions including Islam has made me avoid learning more. Some issues bothering me are: • Free will vs. eternal punishment and Allah’s knowledge: If Allah is All‑Knowing and knew some people would end up in Hell, why create them? I try to reconcile this with the idea we chose before creation, but it still troubles me. • Aisha’s young age at marriage: I’ve tried the usual explanations - different era, maturity, context - but deep down I’m uncomfortable and can’t fully make peace with it. • Sex and female captives: I understand the historical context of prisoners of war and that Islam improved many rights for captives then, encouraged freeing slaves, and that slavery isn’t practiced today. Still, it bothers me that intercourse with a female captive was permitted under certain conditions while consensual relations outside marriage are forbidden. I know Islam is more than rules - the Qur’an speaks wisdom and lessons through the prophets - but because of my upbringing and the critiques I’ve seen, I don’t even feel able to open the Qur’an and research: it feels easier to just walk away. I can’t turn to my parents or friends about this. I’m stuck in a confusing grey zone and really need guidance. How can I approach learning about Islam honestly while dealing with my trauma and doubts? What steps can I take to study in a way that’s safe and respectful to my feelings? JazakAllah khair for any advice.

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Sending love. Practical tip: make a list of specific questions and look for answers from multiple sources - classical, modern, and women scholars. Also consider a counselor experienced with faith trauma. It helped me separate family pain from religion.

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Honestly same feelings here. I started journaling my doubts and googling academic sources instead of random hot takes. It made issues less scary when I could read balanced arguments. Therapy helped unpack family stuff too. You’re not alone.

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You don’t owe anyone instant conviction. Explore with compassion: short trusted lectures, a local imam you feel safe with (preferably female counselor or scholar), and therapy for the childhood wounds. Faith can be rebuilt slowly.

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Salaam sis, I hear you. Trauma makes faith questions louder. Maybe start with small, gentle readings - short tafsir of Surah Yusuf or Maryam - and pair it with therapy or a support group. You don’t have to figure everything at once. One step at a time, and be kind to yourself.

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This hits home. I couldn’t open Quran for years after family trauma. When I finally did, I read one ayah a day with simple commentary and prayed honestly about my doubts. It was gradual but real. Take your pace, sis.

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I stopped consuming angry online debates and found calmer spaces - podcasts, books, female-led forums. They didn’t erase the hard stuff but gave me tools to think critically without panic. Protect your mental space first.

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As a woman who left then came back, I totally get the fear. Try finding female scholars or lectures from Muslim women; their perspectives helped me reconcile hard topics. Online can be messy, so choose trusted, empathetic teachers. Sending dua and hugs.

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I’m Muslim and female and I still struggle with those historical questions. Reading works by Muslim women historians and listening to ethics-focused talks changed how I approach sensitive topics. It’s okay to sit with uncertainty while you learn more.

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