Struggling to forgive myself after personal mistakes

Assalamu alaikum everyone. I really need some support right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm a 23-year-old Turkish-Dutch woman, grew up in the Netherlands alhamdulillah. My parents raised me with so much love and Islamic values – halal food, modest dress, conscious living, and most importantly, taqwa. They trusted me completely and protected my innocence, and I'm their only daughter. When I was around 12-13, I encountered some inappropriate things at school. By 14, I started struggling with personal sins involving my own body. I was young, confused, and didn't fully grasp what I was doing. It happened off and on over the years, more frequently in the past couple of years. Alhamdulillah, it never involved anyone else. But even in private, it feels like something inside me got damaged. I feel like I've betrayed everything my parents gave me – all their du'as and care. Sometimes just hearing their voices makes my chest ache. I feel unclean, like a hypocrite hiding something ugly behind a face they trust. I have dreams too. After this summer, I want to study Islamic theology alongside my IT degree at a Dutch university. I wanted to be around righteous people, friends who bring me closer to Allah. I wanted to believe Allah would let me walk among people of light. But now I feel that door might be closed. Who am I to seek Islamic knowledge? Who am I to draw near to Allah? I know Allah forgives. I make tawbah. I cry in sujood. But I can't forgive myself – that's what's really destroying me. Sometimes the guilt gets so heavy I feel dizzy, my hands shake, like I might faint. I don't need advice on stopping – alhamdulillah I've already done that. The problem is that I did it at all. Even when people offer kind words, deep down I feel worthless. If given a choice, people would naturally prefer someone who never fell into this over me. I feel like I ruined my own value. I feel like I am nothing. Please. I feel like I'm drowning in shame and don't know how to live with myself.