Struggling to Find Purpose as a Muslim - Need Advice

As-salamu alaykum everyone, Sorry for the long message... I’ve finally decided to reach out about something that’s hurt me since I was a little kid. I’m in my early thirties now and have been wrestling with finding purpose as a Muslim for as long as I can remember - I think it started when I was about 3 or 4. I’ve felt low and numb for most of my life and suspect it’s functional depression, though I’ve never had a formal diagnosis. I tried therapy before but it didn’t help for various reasons. I’m planning to look for a therapist again and maybe consider medication once I can afford it in a few months. Until then, I’m hoping reading others’ experiences and suggestions might help. A bit of background: I was an energetic, ambitious child who wanted to try every sport and activity. I come from a loving family and I’m grateful for that - maybe that’s part of why I resisted seeking help, because I don’t want to blame my parents for my pain. They emphasized proper Islamic upbringing without being forceful, and I count myself lucky for that. We didn’t have a lot of money, so I didn’t push them to pay for lots of activities. I loved skating, swimming, dancing, gymnastics - but as a young Muslim girl growing up in the 90s, I felt I couldn’t pursue those things because of the way participants dressed. Back then it felt like you had to wear bikinis or leotards, and being different drew ridicule. As a child I felt powerless, and that exclusion turned me away from many competitive activities. It may sound small now, but I remember deciding then that if I couldn’t do the things I loved because of my faith and circumstances, life had no purpose and being a Muslim in the West would always be hard. I’ve carried that hurt ever since. No matter what I achieve, I struggle to feel real joy because I feel I was robbed of opportunities by being limited for religious reasons. As an adult I’m proud to be Muslim and wouldn’t change that, but I still wrestle with purpose and happiness, especially given the challenges of living in the West while keeping Islamic values. This is a big reason why I don’t plan to have children - I worry I’d struggle to raise them with Islam in a way that wouldn’t bring back painful memories of limiting their experiences. I know other communities face similar tensions around alcohol, dating, sexual values, etc., but that’s another discussion. I recognize I have deep wounds and trauma to work through. For now I can’t afford professional help or meds, and I feel like I’d benefit from a therapist who understands religious or cultural issues - I’ve found it hard to open up fully to some therapists who haven’t shared or understood my background. I often hear well-meaning reminders - this life is a test, focus on the akhira, and so on - but sometimes those words don’t ease the pain. If you have practical advice beyond that, or personal experiences on recovering joy, processing this kind of grief, or suggestions for faith-sensitive therapy, I’d really appreciate hearing them. JazakAllahu khairan for reading. Much love <3