Struggling to Feel Connected After Reverting to Islam
As-salamu alaykum, I've been a revert for five years now, but lately, I've started feeling like I'm not truly connected. I do believe Islam is the true path, but sometimes I feel like a fraud. Before, I used to read the Bible just because. I went through it cover to cover a few times. Whenever I felt down, I'd find a verse there to comfort me. But with the Quran, I haven't even finished reading it all the way through. I pick it up now and then, but I haven't read it from start to finish. It’s been about a year since I last really opened it. Even after five years, I barely know the Arabic alphabet. I always felt calm and peaceful when I entered a church. That feeling still comes when I visit old churches for sightseeing. But I've never felt that same calmness in a mosque. Even during prayer, I feel like I’m just going through the motions, rushing because I have to. When I make dua, it feels similar since I’m praying to the same God. And a small thing-I feel more connected when I say 'God' instead of 'Allah,' even though I know they mean the same. I feel I should say Allah as a Muslim, but somehow it feels different. Before I reverted, I studied Islam for about a year. I didn’t read the Quran fully in order back then either, but I went through most of it. People often assume I became Muslim because of my husband, but we were already engaged when I was Christian. Maybe I rushed into converting and should have taken more time to learn and be guided. I don’t want to go back to Christianity-I truly believe in Islam. But I miss feeling close to my faith and enjoying my practice. The community hasn’t always been easy either. I don’t have many Muslim friends here, and I’ve noticed a lot of judgment, especially towards women. If someone slips up, people can be harsh, and it feels like some act holier than others. The Christians I knew were more forgiving. I know not every Muslim or Christian is like that, but these experiences stick with me. Online is even worse, with women often judged more harshly than men if they don’t wear hijab properly. That’s frustrating too. Maybe it’s just my experiences, or lack of them, making me miss my old faith. I want to feel close to religion again but don’t know how without going back to Christianity-which I don’t want to do. I gave birth to my son six weeks ago, alhamdulillah, and I want to teach him well, but I don’t feel ready yet. I try a little-I greet him with As-salamu alaykum, say alhamdulillah when he sneezes, and mashallah often. But that’s about it. Part of this is a bit of a rant. If anyone, especially other reverts, has advice, I’d really appreciate it.