Softening a Hardened Heart - need guidance, please

as salamu alaikum brothers and sisters, i've felt my heart hardening for years. i first noticed it about 7–8 years ago at my first therapist visit - i went because i hated how i looked after being bullied and never really fitting in. he told me i could continue on my own, but i returned three years ago for help with porn addiction. the truth is i've struggled with it even before that first appointment. the more i viewed it, the less remorse or guilt i felt. after getting involved in several relationships, my heart feels not only hardened but also spiritually impure. i feel like i've lost much of what made me human and, more importantly, what made me a muslim. another thing that troubles me is i don't really know my own reason for being muslim. yes, i was born into the faith, but what is MY reason for staying and living it? i need to figure that out and i'm not sure how. i'm looking for practical help with a few things: 1) resources about a hardened heart in islam - i'd appreciate islamic sources or proofs so i can follow up and act on them. 2) i suspect i was traumatized as a child, though my parents were not bad people. how can i work through possible childhood trauma and heal from it? 3) how do i discover my personal reason for being muslim and reconnect with my faith? i know much of this is personal work, and i've felt a tiny sense of direction at times, but mostly i've felt lost for years. i'm hoping for sincere advice, dua suggestions, or practical steps from anyone who's been through similar struggles. jazakum Allah khair.