Sister - I don’t know who I am anymore, please advise

Assalamu alaikum. I’m a Muslim woman in my 20s and I’m completely lost and don’t know where to turn. I’ve endured years of trauma and abuse at home, and I believe I’ve suffered serious spiritual harm (sihr/jinn). I reached out to scholars and Islamic centres before but felt ignored and abandoned. I grew up in a very controlling household. My father discouraged my religious practice and refused to let me marry, even when I tried to find someone who could act as my wali. Men backed away because of him, so I’ve been stuck without protection. My parents pushed me into mixed workplaces and environments that went against modesty, which worsened my severe social anxiety. I dropped out of uni and later stopped working because I felt I couldn’t cope. I even fled the first job agency appointment in terror and avoided the second. I became barely able to leave the house. Despite my parents’ pressure, I always tried to dress modestly with baggy clothes and hijab. I even ran away once but had nowhere safe to go and had to return. Nothing changed; I’ve felt trapped my whole life. For years I experienced what felt like jinn-related problems: hearing things at night, feeling touched, crying every night, blacking out sometimes, feeling detached from my body. The waswas got so bad it attacked my aqeedah. I nearly left Islam many times even though I feared Allah and didn’t want that. I lost the ability to pray properly, perform wudhu, shower, and go out. My mind was in chaos. I fought constantly but couldn’t control what was happening. I also had sudden, extreme personality shifts-within minutes or hours it felt like a different person took over. During those times I slipped and sent pictures, including a few nudes, to people online. At the time I felt forced, dissociated, and not really present. Later the same day I would return, delete everything, and condemn it as haram. It was like waking from a nightmare. These actions were the opposite of who I am. I was always strict with myself religiously. Sometimes I didn’t remember doing those things until much later, and when the memories came back the shame nearly broke me. I never committed zina intentionally and did everything I could to protect my chastity. These slips happened under extreme spiritual, mental, and emotional pressure-jinn influence, dissociation, trauma. Each time I came back I would repent and panic, but I had no wali or safe support to help me escape my home. Now memories are resurfacing and the guilt is crushing. I feel tainted and abandoned. I tried to protect myself alone and kept fighting but I still slipped. I’m drowning in shame just as the memories return. I also suffered from an unusually strong and fluctuating libido, intrusive sexual thoughts, and terrifying moments when I felt something was trying to control my body in public. I remember clinging to a chair in fear, thinking I might lose control. Living in that abusive home, I stayed partly because I feared being alone and losing control completely. My mind was doing things I couldn’t control. I wrote to many scholars asking for help because I feared committing zina or even apostasy. I had intense waswas about Islam, atheism, and even doubts planted about the sahaba through things I seemingly couldn’t stop myself from watching. I cried every night asking Allah for help. I worried about marriage too-my father’s refusal to let me marry added trauma and isolation. Living in a Muslim-minority country made things harder. I felt destined to be alone, hated by Allah, and unworthy of paradise. I’ve felt suicidal at times because of lifelong abuse and hopelessness. Growing up I was beaten and shamed by my father. Around 14 I found comfort in religion, which made him harsher. He would shame me for wearing hijab and force me into mixed settings, even removing my hijab publicly at times. I have come to believe a woman needs protection and a wali; I resent my father for leaving me vulnerable. Some family members may have done sihr on me, and at the same time my father undermined my faith. I sincerely tried to get married to protect myself but couldn’t. I’m asking for honest, compassionate Islamic advice from a practising Muslim man or woman who can give a grounded perspective - not necessarily about marriage, but a real, caring opinion. The guilt and shame make me feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’m scared I might harm myself if this keeps up. I need help holding on. I get triggered by posts about worse mistakes and feel judged and driven to self-harm. Every second in this house makes me angry and desperate to run away again. I’ve been patient, waiting for a safe way out, but nothing worked. I’m considering leaving despite the dangers, trusting Allah as my Protector, because staying here will destroy me. Please, if anyone can offer sincere Islamic and compassionate advice, dua, or guidance on steps I can take to get protection, counseling, or trustworthy help-tell me. I’m struggling with self‑harm thoughts and I need support.