Seeking Guidance on a Difficult Chapter in My Life
As-salamu alaykum everyone. I'm a 28-year-old Muslim woman who only recently returned to practicing Islam after years of struggling with past pain and mistakes. For a long time, my life felt chaotic and full of regrets, but Alhamdulillah, I'm working on making amends and drawing closer to Allah. Until just recently, I was married to a non-Muslim man for three years. Honestly, he was a source of comfort and peace for me. He supported me through some of the hardest moments, especially during my father's final days. But right after those trials, I faced another test from Allah (SWT). I spent two weeks caring for my father before he passed, then soon after, my grandmother passed away too. Just two days later, my husband told me he was falling for someone else who is going through a divorce. He struggled to tell me without causing pain, but ultimately chose her. I was devastated and fell into a deep sadness. I turned to things like alcohol to numb the pain, but that only brought more tears and sorrow. I felt lost and broken. At work, I would suddenly break down when he was near since we still worked together. I sought help from a psychiatrist and took medication, but I still struggled to find peace. I even took many sick days just because I couldn't face the day. Then one night, after weeks of feeling hopeless, I prayed tahajjud for the first time in a long time. I begged Allah for relief, even asking to be taken away from the pain. After I slept, I heard a gentle reminder in my heart telling me not to ask for that because my time isn’t yet. Since then, I’ve been trying to pray every obligatory prayer and tahajjud, reading duas from my phone until I memorized them. I pray for forgiveness, ease through this test, healing for my heart, and for what is best according to Allah's plan. Every night I cry in my prayers asking Allah to either return my husband if he is meant for me or to remove the love I have for him if not. But I’m confused and unsure of what to feel or do. My prayers have stayed mostly the same for months, and sometimes I wonder if they come from Allah or just from my sadness. Half of me wants to let go and move forward, while the other half clings to hope that Allah placed these feelings in my heart for a reason. I would truly appreciate any advice or support. Jazakum Allahu khair for reading my story, and may Allah grant you all the best in this life and the Hereafter.