Seeking Guidance and Peace - Assalamu Alaikum
Assalamu alaikum. I know this might get judged, but I hope at least one person can offer some honest help. I'm 21 and I've never been someone who prayed consistently. I used to, then stopped, and lately I don't pray at all. Sometimes when my family prays I leave the room because I can't face it. The truth is I keep doing things I know are wrong for a Muslim - listening to music, wearing makeup and styling my hair the way I like, eating at Western places, not reading the Qur'an, and avoiding talks about religion, heaven, and hell. I grew up in a very Western environment where the girls lived freely, and my parents tried to guide me away from that. But as I got older I realized I don't feel like the kind of Muslim girl life they're describing - I don't fit it, and I feel bad at trying to live that way. I just want to be happy and have the freedom to choose, and that doesn't feel like how I picture a Muslim life. Because of that conflict, I don't see the point in praying. It feels like I've chosen who I am, and that person doesn't match what Allah commanded. I'm afraid that if I try to change, I'll either hate my life or end up right back where I started. How do I begin to pray when my heart is full of this contradiction? Any advice on small, realistic steps toward faith without pretending to be someone I'm not would mean a lot. Jazakum Allahu khairan for any honest replies.