Salaam - Looking for Advice and Dua for Peace of Heart
As-salaam-u-alaikum, I’m hoping to get some gentle advice and support. I’m a 25-year-old Muslim woman in Canada and I’ve struggled since childhood with feeling attracted to the same gender. Growing up I was taught these feelings were wrong, so I spent years trying to force them away. Whenever I noticed another woman I thought was beautiful I felt ashamed and angry at myself. I still wrestle with those emotions and I keep making dua, asking Allah for relief and a calm heart. Lately things have been especially hard at home. My parents are strict and now that I’m an adult I realise my life looks very different from my friends who live with more freedom. I’m not married and still living with my family; my father and brothers control many parts of my life - what jobs I can take, who I’m allowed to see, how late I can be out. I’m not permitted to go out after dark, so in winter when it gets dark early I hardly leave the house. I’m only allowed to socialise with one close friend and even then I have to share my location, be home by a fixed time, answer calls immediately, and follow many rules. It feels suffocating and I’ve sometimes thought about running away, but I don’t think I could abandon my family no matter how hard things get. I sincerely want to be a good Muslim. I don’t want these attractions to cause me sin, and I don’t want to let down Allah or my family. I just want peace, happiness, and to live without constant shame or feeling trapped. If anyone has suggestions - duas, practical steps, or ways to speak kindly with parents while respecting our faith and family ties - I would be grateful. JazakAllah khair for any support or kind words.