Please help me find my faith again, sisters and brothers
Asalam u Alaikum wrwb. Please don't judge me - I know this might sound harsh or like I'm criticizing our deen, but I truly need help and I'm coming from a sincere place. DISCLAIMER: I'm mainly sharing this for the women here, and it's a bit long, sorry 🙈 I'm a teenager and lately my iman feels weak. I've been having very dark thoughts and sometimes feel like I don't want to live, though Alhamdulillah I know suicide is not permitted in Islam so I haven't acted on those feelings. I wear niqab now, but not by choice - my parents insisted I start wearing it last year. I tried to hint that I wasn't comfortable, but they refused and even threatened and cursed at me, so I stopped speaking up because I was scared of worse consequences. I don't have a problem with covering in principle - when I wore hijab I felt okay and closer to Allah. But after starting niqab, I became very depressed. Before covering at all I actually wanted to do niqab, and I used to encourage my mother to wear it as well. The more I covered myself and tried to draw nearer to Allah, the more regret and doubt crept in, and I don't understand why. One thing that bothers me is seeing men who don't have to cover as we do. It feels unfair sometimes: I have to be covered in the hot weather while they can wear shorts or a tank and seem free. I know the argument about lowering the gaze and protecting women from fitnah, but women can feel attraction too - and from the face as well. The idea of niqab confuses me and makes me uneasy. Sometimes when I'm alone in the car with only mahrams, I take the niqab off because it feels tight and uncomfortable, and my parents react very harshly - cursing, slapping (even my father), long lectures if a strand of hair shows. I love them, but this issue is really straining our relationship. I also have other doubts that trouble me - questions about some historical events and practices from the time of the Prophet (SAW). I don't mean to question Allah, and I believe there is wisdom behind everything, but these things make me wonder: if Allah knows all, why were some actions acceptable then but seem confusing now? On top of that, I want to feel love for Allah and worship with sincerity, but recently when I went for Umrah I couldn't feel connected. It felt mechanical, like just circling without meaning. Alhamdulillah I live in KSA and go for Umrah several times a year, but lately I can't feel that spiritual pull during tawaf and sa'ee - I just want to finish. Astaghfirullah, I feel ashamed and hopeless. I also struggle with my mental health. I'm sensitive to sounds, get very upset by crying babies or people talking when I'm trying to focus. I have moderate OCD (used to be worse), and I argue and shout with my parents. I feel angry a lot and sometimes want to hit something. I worry Allah is displeased with me and has taken away hidaya, and now I'm a wreck - feeling unloved by family and by Allah. I don't know what I have to live for, but I still want to strengthen my iman so my akhira will be good. Please, can you give me gentle, understanding advice on how to reconnect with Allah and stop these harmful thoughts? I'm not looking to argue about Islam - only kind and compassionate responses, please. JazakAllah khair for reading and sorry for the long rant. P.S. Please be gentle and understanding. I'm just trying to find my way back to Allah 🤍