Need guidance and duas, please

As-salamu alaykum. I’ll try to explain from the start even if it’s messy. I grew up in a country torn by war and moved to Canada in 2010. My parents are very strict about religion and culture. Growing up they controlled a lot - who I could be friends with, speaking to men, going out, even the values of my friends. I wasn’t allowed to talk to men and my dad picked which girls he thought were “good enough.” If he didn’t like someone’s background I couldn’t spend time with them. I wasn’t allowed social media, and when I got older my parents and siblings still checked my phone, read my messages, looked at my accounts, and went through my history. This still happens even though I’m 23. I always felt very lonely. As a kid I slept next to my mother, then with my sister. After she married I asked my little brother to sleep beside me because I hated being alone. He’s older now and doesn’t do that. I always needed someone close so I wouldn’t feel so alone. Since I was young I realized I was attracted to the same gender. I’m female and I had feelings for other women. I kept it hidden, but over time I fantasized about women I saw or worked with. I even started dressing and acting like a man in private. In grade 9 I made a fake account pretending to be a boy. I wore a wig to look like a lighter-skinned guy. Some girls believed it and I loved the attention and the connection. I talked, texted, called, and spent nights on the phone with them. In 2024 I started talking to one girl and didn’t expect to become attached. We ended up in a long-distance relationship; she believed I was a man. We FaceTimed, slept on the phone together, exchanged gifts, and acted like a couple. I really loved her and, honestly, I still care for her. I never wanted anyone else. But now that I’m 23 I know this fake life can’t continue. I could never meet her in person, and I know what I did was wrong. I never expected it to go this far and I didn’t think either of us would fall so deeply. Ending it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I miss her a lot. I know if I texted she’d answer immediately. She still wants me. But if she found out the truth - that I wasn’t who she thought I was - she would be hurt and I’m terrified she might hurt herself. So I can’t tell her, even though keeping it secret is tearing me up inside. My religion does not allow same-gender relationships. I have been trying very hard to stop these thoughts and feelings because I want to be a good Muslim. I don’t want to be miserable in this life or the next. I know thoughts alone aren’t sinful but acting on them is, and that scares me. Even though our relationship was emotional and not sexual, I still feel intense guilt. During that time I developed sleep problems. Someone suggested a CBN cartridge and it helped me sleep, but I became dependent. Then I began using weed every day to sleep and to numb things. I built a tolerance so it barely affects me now. I never wanted to be addicted, but I was desperate for rest. It turned into something I used out of boredom and to dull feelings. I kept telling myself I’d quit but every time I tried I felt awful and slipped back. Using it made my depression and loneliness worse. I felt like without it my life would collapse. I’m starting therapy in January because I’ve reached my limit. I’ve had sexual thoughts for a long time, and feeling sad, lonely, anxious, and uncertain about the future has drained me. I feel awful for what I did to that girl. I’m struggling to move on. I’m tired of pretending to be someone else and tired of carrying all this alone. I know Allah is not pleased with the path my life has taken. Some may judge me as a bad Muslim or bad person, but I’ve wanted to change since I was a child. My guilt has even stopped me from praying and fasting at times because I felt unworthy. Many nights I’ve cried and made dua asking Allah for help. Now I’m reaching out because I don’t know where else to turn. I’m desperate for advice. Please don’t judge me - I’m working hard to change for Allah’s sake. Please keep me in your duas. Ask Allah to make things easier, to grant me patience and strength, and to help me remain on the straight path.