Letting Go for the Sake of Allah
As-salamu alaykum, I (25F) and my ex (25M) decided this week to end our haram relationship for the sake of Allah. Honestly I’m still in shock because he really is everything I thought I wanted in a husband: kind, smart, handsome, hardworking, patient, he understands me and makes me feel like a priority even when he’s so busy. He made me feel loved and special every day. We were in a bit of a long-distance situation so meeting wasn’t easy, but we always found a way to see each other. The problem is we were both deeply in love and very physically attracted, and whenever we met we kept falling into sin (not full zina but other forbidden touching and things). After each time we felt so guilty and distant, yet we couldn’t stop. It’s been eating at us and the pressure to make things halal grew, but we don’t have the capacity to do that right now. Alhamdulillah I recently performed Umrah, and coming back from that, after repenting and promising Allah I wouldn’t allow a man to touch me except my husband, it didn’t sit right to continue the way we were. That’s why we chose to end it - to protect our deen and stop feeling so terrible after meeting. We talked about making it halal for months, but marriage isn’t possible for us at the moment. We’re both in professional school (medicine) and aren’t ready or excited to marry yet. He’s also afraid of marriage for personal reasons, which made things more complicated. I’m so confused because I truly thought I found my life partner. Our feelings felt real and pure, but the sin was unsustainable and I couldn’t keep living with no timeline, so I had to let him go. We agreed we might revisit things in the future, Insha’Allah, if our situations change and we’re both ready. I’m struggling with how to heal and move on - it’s so hard to release someone you believe is perfect when there’s no clear end in sight. We tried to exercise self-control but we kept slipping; it’s genuinely very difficult. Any advice on coping, strengthening tawakkul, and healing from this would be really appreciated. Jazakum Allahu khairan.