Letting Go (Assalamu alaikum)

Assalamu alaikum, I’m writing this from a place of deep tiredness, not anger. For the last four years I’ve been making duʿāʾ, crying, hoping, and trying to “do everything right” hoping to get married. I’ve done Umrah twice, prayed tahajjud, kept a journal, reflected, and worked on myself spiritually, emotionally, and physically - and still the longing feels heavy and unresolved. Lately I’ve realized something painful but true: I can’t keep carrying this the way I have been. Wanting marriage and companionship started to eat away at my peace, my joy, and my sense of worth. I think about it all the time. I measure my life by it. I grieve timelines that only existed in my head. I’m not tired of Allah, I’m tired of the pressure I put on myself. So I made a choice that feels scary but necessary: I’m going to let go of the burden, not the hope. What that looks like for me: • I won’t try to force outcomes anymore • I won’t punish myself for wanting love • I won’t believe my value or my sincerity is decided by whether this duʿāʾ is answered right now I still want marriage and I still trust that Allah can grant it. But I can’t carry this weight every single day like it’s breaking me. I’m handing this completely to Allah - not as giving up, but as survival and trust. If anyone has been in a similar place where you had to stop striving so hard and start truly surrendering, I’d appreciate hearing how you managed to do that without losing hope or faith. Please be gentle - I’m learning how to rest.