Learning to embrace the hijab has been tough, but it's getting easier

Assalamu alaikum sisters, Hijab has been the part of Islam I rebelled against the most, both inside my head and in my day-to-day life. I'm a female revert, about two years in, and honestly? I used to really dislike the idea of covering. Not in a loud, dramatic way - more like a quiet, private resistance. I kept telling myself, “This can wait. Allah knows my heart.” But I knew deep down I was avoiding something Allah asked of me. Every moment I wasn't obeying felt like I was adding sin on myself and disappointing my Creator. I fear Allah and don't want to disobey, yet for the longest time I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't get it. My hair felt so tied to who I was. It was part of my personality. I hadn't realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in it - compliments, validation, feeling feminine. So when I read clearly that hijab wasn't optional, it felt like Allah was asking me to give up something I didn't know how to live without. I looked for scholars or ways around it. Nothing. It was a command. I felt ugly wearing it. There were days I was almost angry at Allah for it. I know that sounds awful, but I felt like He'd taken a piece of me and left me looking at a stranger. Then something shifted - not a dramatic scene, just a quiet realization: maybe Allah removed that thing because I was leaning on it as a shield. Like He was gently telling me, “You built your whole self around something that wasn't meant to hold you.” So I began to wear hijab in private first. Just at home, trying to meet myself without that old identity clinging on. It was strange, awkward, and sometimes I cried because I felt plain or lost. Then one day, out of nowhere, I noticed a different kind of beauty. Not the glossy social-media kind, but a calm inside. It felt like Allah saying, “This is how I want you to move in the world - covered, protected, known for your soul rather than your hair.” And it started to make sense. I won't pretend it's perfect. I still have moments when I miss the old me who thought her hair was her strength. But I'm beginning to accept that maybe Allah took that small thing away so He could show me something bigger. I wear hijab more now. Not flawlessly, sometimes with hesitation, but each time it becomes a bit easier. It feels like surrender that will, in time, suit me better than the identity I made for myself. Allah brings peace and He knows best for us. To any other revert sisters fighting the same inner battle: you're not crazy, and you're not alone. Allah tests us where we cling the most. Often after resisting, surrender is what brings peace - even if it's difficult. May Allah soften all our hearts. “O believers! Obey Allah and obey the Messenger and those in authority among you. Should you disagree on anything, then refer it to Allah and His Messenger, if you ˹truly˺ believe in Allah and the Last Day. This is the best and fairest resolution.” - Surah An-Nisa (4:59)