Learning Islam anew as a born Muslim: where do I start?

Please be patient with me, this might be a little long... Lately, I’ve been feeling mentally drained whenever I try to dig deeper into my deen, and I’m not sure where I stand anymore. I really believe everyone should study Islam for themselves from scratch, whether they were born into a Muslim family or not. Honestly, I think it’s even more important for those raised in Muslim communities because our culture and religion get so mixed up that sometimes it’s hard to separate what’s actually from Islam and what’s just tradition. The way I started re-learning Islam probably wasn’t the best idea: I jumped straight into the toughest questions. You know, the things non-Muslims often bring up in debates-like hijab, hadiths that seem problematic, things that look like contradictions... And wow. I really opened a can of worms. I keep going back and forth in my mind. One moment I feel calm, clear-headed, and sure of my thoughts. The next, my mind is racing everywhere (and sometimes I even get scared for my iman). What I hold onto is that I still believe in Allah. That hasn’t changed. But I’m confused about where I stand in my deen and how to handle these thoughts. Take hijab, for example. I wear hijab by my own choice, alhamdulillah, but even though I wear it, I feel like I still don’t fully grasp the deeper meaning. It’s like the answer is almost there, right at the edge of my brain, but I can’t quite reach it. My latest thinking is that hijab might not be one fixed uniform, but more about modesty itself. That maybe if a woman is truly honest with herself-like, really sincere, not fooling herself-and feels in her heart that what she wears and how she behaves is modest, then that’s the point: fighting against her own desires. But then I go back and forth again. I think: why didn’t Allah describe hijab in exact detail if it was meant to be just one way? Then another thought hits: maybe this is exactly where submission comes in. Maybe my struggle itself is a kind of pride, wanting everything spelled out instead of just surrendering to what’s already been given. Maybe the answer is simple and I’m making it too complicated. Other times, I wonder if the vagueness is part of the test-to see how sincerely each person interprets modesty, how much effort they put in, how honest they are with themselves, and if they can overcome their own whims. Personally, I’ve always felt that one of the biggest trials for women in life is beauty, while for men it’s often money, pride, or status. Of course, everyone struggles with everything, but some tests seem heavier for one gender. And since beauty is such a big test for us women, maybe that’s why we’re tested with modesty specifically. I never had an issue with the concept of hijab itself or how to wear it in daily life-the small hassles don’t really bother me. What I struggle with inside is: even though I dress modestly (loose clothes, no mixing shirt and pants in a tight way, headscarf on, etc.), if I put on lipstick or blush and look in the mirror thinking I look more beautiful and stand out more with makeup, something in me questions if I’m really being modest. Does that feeling cancel out the modesty? Not on the outside, but inside. Like, if I know I look way prettier with makeup, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? I honestly wonder: is this the real test? That tiny split-second moment when you sit with yourself and ask honestly: “Am I truly being modest right now?” That quick inner voice where you have to decide if you’re being truthful with yourself or ignoring something you know deep down. I’ve read a lot from sisters who wear hijab and those who took it off, and I can understand both sides, but modesty still makes more sense to me overall. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just overcomplicating the deen for myself. Or if this is my own pride making everything harder than it needs to be. The thought I keep circling back to is: I’d rather be safe than sorry. Even if in the akhirah it turns out hijab or modesty was meant differently than how many preach it today, I’d still feel some peace knowing I at least sincerely tried to take the safer path. Another thing that keeps nagging at me is hadith. Let me be clear first: I deeply believe in fitrah-that if we strip away arrogance, pride, ignorance, ego, what society tells us, and our own excuses, there’s something inside us that recognizes truth. If we really listen, with both mind and heart, we can often feel when something is right and when something feels off. Alhamdulillah, even with all the human noise, I’ve usually been able to tell right from wrong, even in things that didn’t make sense at first. Sometimes things only seem strange because we’re conditioned to view them that way, and after thinking, I’ve often seen wisdom I missed before. But with certain hadiths… I struggle. Just so you know, I totally respect the huge scholarship, research, and science behind preserving and authenticating hadiths. I’m not ignoring centuries of work. But even after trying to set aside both Muslim and non-Muslim cultural lenses, and even trying not to let modern morality cloud my judgment, some narrations still don’t sit right with my fitrah. I always leave room, though, for the possibility that I might be missing context, wisdom, or understanding. I’m completely open to the idea that there are things beyond my understanding. But then, what do I do with that tension? How do I navigate life and iman when I feel like I only believe in “half” of some things? What do I do with this confusion? I know this post sounds messy and scattered, but honestly, that’s exactly how my mind feels right now. The one solid thing through all this is that I’m still a believer, alhamdulillah. But I feel like there’s a piece missing, something I’m meant to understand or do, and I don’t know what the next step is. I want to ask those who’ve been through something similar: where did you go from here?