I’ve never found peace in my heart

Assalamu alaikum. I’m a Muslim, and I know deep down Islam is the truth. It’s not about some personal feeling-it’s the Quran and the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him) that convinced me. To me, Allah is as clear as the sun. But honestly, I’ve never felt peace. Sometimes it feels like I’m already in hell. My life has been hard for as long as I remember. Not like the Palestinians or so many others who have suffered terribly, but my own pain is real. My earliest memories are of my mother hitting me, or me running from her afraid. At school, I was bullied. At home, she beat me for bad grades, and often I didn’t even know why she was mad. In high school, she held a high position, and I was bullied badly. She never helped, claiming she didn’t know. I didn’t want to use her status, so I stayed quiet, but she knew. Everything she did was for my younger brother. He was the bully in his class. Once, at night, she apologized and said she thought I’d never succeed because of my dyslexia, so that’s why she treated me that way. University was a little better. I went to a regular university here, while my brother studied abroad with enough money to rent a car. Even though we had a car, I had to take the bus. I wasn’t jealous of my brother-truly, I still love him and don’t blame him. Once I started working, I moved out. My mother stopped using her hands but used words and tactics. If I came home late, she wouldn’t save me any dinner-not asking for a hot meal, just something to eat sometimes. I never had many good friends, but the few I had, I would have died for. Yet each one betrayed me somehow. I blame myself for that. For years, I’ve worked. Office politics made my life miserable, even though I’m good at my job and passionate about it. I endured the abuse because my mother made me feel broken and afraid I’d never find another job. I had severe breakdowns and anxiety. She pushed me to go back after I recovered a bit. Eventually, I quit. I’m skilled at what I do, but interviews never work out. Finding a job is always a struggle. Everything that can go wrong does. I plan ahead, arrive 30 minutes early for any appointment, but still things fall apart. Life feels heavy. Alhamdulillah, I’m married now. My wife was the best thing that ever happened to me. For the first time, I tasted a bit of love. But there are struggles we face that I can’t share-we can’t have children. I had a cat who loved me more than anything, and I loved him deeply. He recently passed away after falling from the veranda. He was my only true companion-my only friend. I’m alone, sad, and exhausted. I can’t keep fighting. I feel I’ve reached my end. I used to pray, but things got worse when I did. The most “devout” Muslims I met were often the worst people-cheating, bullying, taking advantage of others, including me. They ignored Palestine and other issues. They just prayed and fasted, feeling fake. I couldn’t connect with them; it felt like they were Muslim because they got something out of it. Out of desperation, I did some haram things just to escape my mind and find relief. I know they were my choices, and I regret them, but I keep falling back. I’ve never hurt any of Allah’s creation, though. I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I need help. I have no one to turn to. If you’ve read this far, jazakallah khair. I’m sorry for rambling. I know I’m privileged in many ways, and I thank Allah for that. But I’ve never had peace-not even as a child. What can I do to survive?