I’ve Never Felt Allah’s Presence

As-salamu alaykum. I’m exhausted - truly exhausted. I don’t want anyone to sugarcoat things, but please be kind in responses. I was raised by a father who never missed his prayers and a mother who cries in du’a. They tried so hard to build love for Allah in me, but it never took. I’ve never felt Allah’s presence in any comforting or positive way. Even when I prayed regularly, the prayers felt hollow. I did everything right outwardly - wudu, the motions, and I used to study Qur’an and tafseer with my mother every day - but it felt like going through the motions with her, not a real connection. Technically I was doing it, but it wasn’t alive. I’ve stayed away from music most of my life, apart from a few slips. During the pandemic I started drawing - it was the only thing that kept me afloat on some days, when I’d have dark thoughts. Letting go of it was one of the hardest sacrifices I’ve made. I gave it up over two years ago and I still miss it terribly. Unlike many stories I read, I haven’t felt anything in return. No warmth, no yaqeen, no sense that Allah is near - only rules, guilt, and reminders that what I enjoy is sinful. Even when I follow the deen outwardly, the inner feeling of closeness never comes. My life feels empty. I live in that strange middle place: avoiding many worldly things for Islam, but feeling no reward. I’ll have stretches of praying five times and reading Qur’an, then after a couple weeks it fades with no sign of change. I feel rejected by both deen and dunya. Ramadan is coming and everyone around me is excited - even friends who don’t wear hijab. For them it’s ibadah and Laylat al-Qadr. For me it’s mostly hunger and going through motions while feeling nothing. I feel dirty and ashamed. I worry Allah made me as an example of what not to be. I fear that no matter what I do, I’ll never find Him and will fail in the akhirah. It feels like I’ve wasted an upbringing that should have given me faith. I’m alone and I’ve sacrificed things that brought me happiness, and it feels like I gained nothing. I struggle in this world too. Sometimes the only thing stopping me from ending my life is the fear of sealing my fate and losing even a tiny hope for the akhirah. Intellectually I accept Islam - my observations point to its truth - but spiritually I feel empty. I don’t have that inner feeling of being close to Allah, and it makes me feel like a failure. If anyone has gentle advice, du’a, or words from personal experience about finding sincerity, softness of heart, or ways to reconnect without pressure, I’d be grateful. Jazakum Allahu khayran for reading.