It's been two years since I lost my father, and my heart just feels so heavy

Assalamu alaikum everyone. I lost my father two years ago, and since then, it's like I'm carrying this huge weight in my chest almost all the time. I have so many fears now, I can't sleep right at night, I get these sudden flashbacks, and I'm constantly terrified of losing my mother too. I feel totally lost in life - no direction, no clear path, just stuck, confused, and completely mentally drained. Sometimes I feel like a failure and I honestly don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm married now and, alhamdulillah, my wife and I are expecting a child very soon. This should make me feel hopeful and full of joy, but instead I just feel overwhelmed and scared. I get angry so quickly, I lose my temper a lot, and then I'm crushed with guilt afterwards. I also sometimes have this awful thought that it should have been me who passed, not my father, and that idea just eats away at me. I feel afraid of so many things, constantly. I don't share any of this with anyone, not even my wife. I keep it all bottled up inside, and honestly, I struggle to even put what I'm feeling into words. Just writing this is hard. I just feel stuck and so tired of fighting my own thoughts. Has anyone else experienced grief turning into this mix of fear, anger, guilt, and feeling totally disconnected from your own life? How did you find your way through it? How do you start to rebuild yourself when you feel this broken and lost? I could really use some sincere advice, maybe from an Islamic perspective too.