I’m So Fed Up with My Life and Wish It Would End

Assalamu alaikum. So, I’m 17, stuck in debt, and my parents have no idea. I can’t find a job anywhere. It bugs me when people act like I’m just not trying hard enough-if they only had a clue. I was born with a weird flat head shape. I’m ugly, seriously ugly. Big nose, big ears, one eye sits lower than the other, wide forehead, and other stuff that makes my face look off. Allah made me the only ugly one in my family, I swear. I’ve also been putting on weight. I don’t look obese because I’m not that wide, but just picture a hideous creature that walks, eats, and talks-that’s me. Because of how awful I look, even when it’s boiling hot, I wear the same jacket and hat with my hood up. If I don’t, I feel like everyone’s staring. At first I thought I was being paranoid, but sadly I was right. Many times, people would stare, laugh, or look at me like I’m gross. They’d laugh and whisper to their friends. People are loud, so it’s obvious. Teachers, adults, others-they’ve always treated me badly. I don’t get why. I’d always get blamed, even when it wasn’t my fault or I wasn’t involved. This started in primary school and never really stopped. I wouldn’t call myself a good Muslim, not even close. People say effort matters and no one’s perfect, but I’m nowhere near that. Because of all this, I got lazy. In school, I just gave up on everything: my appearance, my studies, even my salah. My prayers have been so on and off, and honestly it makes me sad. I even got kicked out of my A-level course. Alhamdulillah, I managed to get into another one, but still. Ever since I was little, I’ve wished for death because life has been so miserable. It’s been like this for about four years now. Nothing good has come from living, not a single good thing. People sit on their high horses, all comfortable, telling me it’ll get better, but it doesn’t. The worst part is I can’t even make dua for death because it’s haram or something, but I still wish for it. I really do.