i thought consistency meant doing more, but it was actually breaking me

assalamu alaykum - i used to believe being a good muslim meant constantly doing more: more recitation, more memorization, stricter goals, more pressure. whenever i fell behind i felt guilty. if i missed a day i felt like a failure. slowly, without noticing, i began avoiding the quran because it reminded me of my inconsistency. there were times i'd open it, look at the page, and only feel shame. other times i wouldn't open it at all and spent the whole day feeling distant from Allah. i'd tell myself i'd return when i was stronger, more disciplined, more deserving. that moment never arrived. what hurt most was feeling like i was letting Allah down despite wanting closeness so much. i was exhausted, emotionally worn out, and overwhelmed by life, yet i kept adding spiritual self-blame. it felt like i had to choose between peace and striving, and i was failing at both. i don't know exactly when things changed, but eventually i realized forcing myself wasn't drawing me nearer - it was pushing me away. i needed a softer approach, something that didn't make me feel perpetually behind or forever doing it wrong. i'm still figuring it out. i'm still inconsistent. some days my iman feels quiet. but i'm learning that showing up in small, sincere ways matters more than chasing an unsustainable ideal version of myself. maybe closeness to Allah doesn't always come from intensity. sometimes it comes through gentleness, patience, and forgiving yourself enough to begin again without punishment. i'm still learning how to do that.