How do I truly forgive my father when my heart refuses?

As-salamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. I really need some sincere advice on something that’s been weighing on my heart. My father has been verbally and physically abusive toward me for the past ten years, ever since I was a teenager. To give you a glimpse, he’s said things I can’t even repeat fully-like that Allah created me just to punish me, that I’m destined for Jahannam if I ever make a single mistake in Qur’an recitation, and that he holds the keys to my afterlife based on his mood. Growing up, I even faced racist attacks, but nothing cut as deep as his words. We moved to a new country when I was young, and that’s when I first learned about Islam-my home country is mostly atheist. So while I was struggling to learn English, Arabic, and other subjects, I was also trying to read the Qur’an with a tongue completely foreign to me. At 15, all this led me to leave Islam, but alhamdulillah, I came back at 19 when I realized how many lies I had been fed. A few months ago, I decided to forgive him. I really want to let go of this trauma so it doesn’t hold me back from becoming a better Muslim. I told myself I forgave him, and for a while I even felt numb to his daily curses and insults. But now, my heart is just filled with hatred, anger, and distrust. I say I forgive him, but inside, it’s the opposite. I’m afraid this might be a form of hypocrisy or something haram. Is it wrong to feel this? I want my heart to align with my intention, but I don’t know how. Any guidance would mean a lot. JazakAllah khair.