Healing from Faith-Related Trauma While Holding onto Islam

As-salamu alaykum, I'm reaching out for support and guidance. I've been hesitant to share this because I fear judgment, but I hope my story can help others who may be going through similar struggles. I still practice my daily prayers and make dua, and I yearn for a strong connection with Allah. However, my experience with religion at home has been tied to painful memories, and with Ramadan approaching, it's bringing back a lot of emotions. This past year has been incredibly challenging, and I almost felt compelled to distance myself from Islam, not because I wanted to rebel, but because I witnessed religion being used in ways that shattered my trust and felt unjust. My father's actions, which involved secrecy and deception, including marrying another woman without my mother's knowledge, with the involvement of an imam from our local masjid, really hurt me. The imam's justification of deception in the name of protecting the family broke something inside me. This woman he married would post things publicly that were humiliating and destabilizing for our whole family, implying she could provide my father with things my mother couldn't. My mother, trying to keep our family together, even offered to help him find another wife if it was done honestly and openly. But the situation has spiralled, and now my father is in contact with multiple women, discussing personal matters with my mother, including inappropriate comments. Seeing my mother go through this is extremely painful. It feels like the situation has become more about emotional chaos than a structured, respectful process. I've also witnessed my mother being pressured into situations she wasn't comfortable with, and I've heard my father use religious verses to guilt her, arguing for superiority and ungratefulness. For me, religion stopped being a source of peace and started feeling like a tool for control. I grew up in a very strict environment where even small mistakes were punished severely in the name of religion. Now, seeing double standards and hypocrisy from the same person who enforced those rules is deeply destabilizing. At one point, I was asked to leave our home after defending my mother, and later, my father told our extended family that I had run away to avoid looking bad. Living through these distorted narratives has been disorienting. My family is fractured, and reality feels like it's constantly shifting. The hardest part for me is that I still want to hold onto my faith. I still pray and fast, but when I think about religion, my body reacts with trauma - I shake, I cry, and I feel a mix of anger and grief. I used to find peace in Islam, but now the association hurts. I'm not looking to debate religious interpretations or gender roles. I'm talking about the emotional aftermath of seeing religion used in coercive, hypocritical, and destabilizing ways. If anyone has experienced something similar and still wants to hold onto their belief, how did you separate your relationship with God from the people who hurt you? How do you practice your faith without reopening old wounds? With Ramadan coming, I want to heal, not just go through the motions. I want to feel safe with Allah again. Alhamdu lillah for any guidance or support you can offer.