From a sister: Intimacy has been my hardest test and I’m scared of failing

As-salamu alaykum. Being anonymous here helps me finally speak honestly. A little background: I was raised in a very religious home and married young. I’d daydreamed about marriage and have always loved physical affection - hugs, touch, closeness. My family taught deen from the start, and it never occurred to me to even shake a stranger’s hand, let alone have anything outside marriage. The first year of marriage was okay. I didn’t have much to compare it to, but I knew we were intimate far less than most newlyweds. He was a good man in other ways, so I accepted it. After I became pregnant, it felt like he lost all desire to touch me. At first I thought maybe pregnancy changed things, so I focused on healthy eating and exercise and, alhamdulillah, bounced back after birth. Still, months after the baby arrived there was no change. That pattern continued for years. Not a hug beyond what you might give a sister, no voluntary kiss or cuddle - nothing. We became roommates who shared a child. I tried everything I could think of. I did therapy, I suggested couples therapy, I encouraged him to join a gym. But it was like he was asexual and I was only there to carry our child. He loves our child and is a great, kind father, which is why I stayed and tried to fix things for so long. You can’t make someone be something they aren’t, and I don’t resent him for that. Alhamdulillah people have always complimented my appearance - a blessing from Allah that also became a trial, because I continued to be noticed and approached. People forget women have needs and feelings too, and honestly, toward the end it was my fear of Allah that held me back every time, even when I felt a fire inside. I’ve been divorced a year now and I’m almost 30. I don’t want more children - I’m happy with the one I have - but most men who ask for my hand want children. My ex and I are peacefully amicable. He’s a present dad and gets along with my brothers, alhamdulillah. It’s the best outcome I could’ve hoped for and a blessing from Allah. But after nearly a decade of celibacy I’m scared. I worry I’ll one day slip and do something I’ll regret. My perceived options feel limited: 1) an older man who’s finished having kids (I’m not attracted to much older men), 2) a divorced man who already has children (I don’t mind that), or 3) polygyny, which I don’t think I could emotionally handle. I know this is a test from Allah. He sees my heart and knows why I lower my gaze and restrain myself. I don’t want to displease Him - He is everything to me. But I’m frightened by how vivid and persistent certain thoughts are becoming. I don’t know why I’m sharing this - maybe someone else has faced something similar and can offer hope or advice. I don’t fear a single life as much as I fear what my mind might lead me to. I accept my humanity and that no one is above sin. May Allah protect us and guide our hearts. P.S. If you are a man, please do not DM me; I will block you.