Finding Confidence in My Role as a Muslim Man

Assalamu alaikum. I've been meaning to write this for a while and finally worked up the nerve. As the title says, I struggle with doubting my masculinity almost every day. It started in early adolescence when kids I played with mocked me because I was chubbier in the backside, like a girl. Around 10–12 years old I even wondered if I wasn’t really a boy. As I learned more about myself I realized I'm straight and attracted only to women (sorry if that's too blunt). Now I'm an adult and have made progress in many areas, but I still feel like I'm not man enough for any woman. Sexual topics make me panic - even discussions about intimacy or examples from our tradition about strength and vitality unsettle me. The smallest hint of affection between spouses or talk of intimacy makes me uncomfortable in ways I can't fully explain. I also struggle to look at women; part of it is lowering my gaze, but a big part is this irrational fear that if I look they’ll despise me. This has gone on for years and is hurting my studies - I'm in a demanding field that needs focus and time. I watch videos about what a man should be in Islam and I do have many of those qualities, but it doesn't bring me peace. I'm a practicing Muslim, I make dua for calm and strength, and I can't afford therapy. I also don't want to do anything that goes against our deen for validation. If anyone has practical, faith-based advice or simple steps I can try to build confidence and deal with anxiety around intimacy and masculinity, I'd be very grateful. Jazak Allah khair.