Feeling Torn Between My Past and Faith - Need Advice, Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum. I'm a 22F. I didn't grow up in a strict home, though I'm Arab, and I chose to wear hijab on and off through my teens and now in college. I love Islam and I love Allah SWT. I also know organized religion can be messed up sometimes, especially when some men take advantage of vulnerable people, so I try to stay cautious and do my own research rather than accept everything blindly. That said, I struggle a lot inside. I'm very daring and free-spirited - before I properly practiced I was in a rock band as guitarist and lead singer, and I gave that up when I recommitted to my faith. Still, I'm strongly drawn to music, to the idea of having a drink or smoking weed just for fun sometimes (nothing heavy), hanging out and running wild with friends, and I really want tattoos and to just enjoy life. I'm someone who worries a lot, existentially and spiritually. I grew up in a pretty harsh environment, had a rough childhood I barely remember, but Alhamdulillah others have it worse. I absolutely love the Qur'an - I enjoy reciting it, sitting in the masjid for hours even if I might be drinking later, and I try to recite Surah Al-Baqarah every few days. I love my prayers, including tahajjud, and I think about meeting Allah SWT. Lately I don't want to wear hijab, and the whole free vs. slave woman discussion in classical texts bothers me. I do believe hijab is fard and that historically it was for all believing women, not just certain groups. The idea that slave women wouldn't be allowed to cover while believing women would is painful to me. But my main reason for not wanting to wear it now is that I don't see it as a pillar like fasting or the five prayers - I see it as a command, yes, but it feels different in my heart. Maybe that's a weak excuse, but I'm so exhausted. I feel like I can't have tattoos and wear hijab. I'm very nuanced and full of contradictions, and I don't know how to relate to Muslims who were sheltered their whole lives. I feel like people see me as a spectacle because I love to live with passion, even when parts of my life conflict. Any sisters or brothers who can relate or give practical advice? How do you reconcile loving Qur'an and prayer while also being drawn to things that conflict with some Islamic guidelines? How do you deal with the exhaustion and the feeling of being judged? JazakAllahu khair.