Feeling Lost in My Path to Islam, Honestly

As-salamu alaykum - this is mostly a vent, not really asking for advice, just putting my thoughts somewhere. I feel too messy and full of faults to properly belong. I’m a revert-ish; I’ve believed in Islam for over ten years, but I’m complicated and never really fit in anywhere. Like a square peg in a round hole. There are parts of my life that make it hard to fully accept the one thing that brings me peace. I can’t share everything, and I won’t, so please don’t ask for details. My situation and where I live play a role, a little. My faith comes in waves. Some periods I can absolutely see myself living fully as a Muslimah and there’s no other future. Other times I wonder if there’s a place for me at all. I’d love to confidently call myself a Muslimah, but I’m not sure that day will come. Right now I’m really struggling with music. I know many scholars say it’s not permissible, yet because I’m feeling lost I’ve started putting together a playlist of songs I love. I don’t think I would be doing this if I still believed I could fully walk the Muslim path, but at the moment I can’t see it. Should I just let myself do these more ‘Western’ things for now and try to start fresh once my life is more settled? I don’t expect answers - just needed to get this out.