Feeling Lost and Hurting as I Approach Adulthood
Salam everyone. I'm in college with just about 8 months left until I finish, but honestly, I'm really struggling with wanting to continue. I've been carrying so much trauma, abuse, and deep loneliness for so long that it's started to color every single part of my life. I remember being a much happier person, excited about things even when I didn't have friends as a child. But I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and severe depression around 14 or 15 years old. I grew up in a difficult family situation, and those frustrations have only grown. I'm currently living in Egypt, though my heart and real home are in Qatar where my immediate family is. Being here has been incredibly hard because of the economic situation and, most painfully, because of other family members I once trusted and loved. They've hurt and betrayed me so deeply that my heart is genuinely broken. The things they've done would surprise you. I kept telling myself, 'It's okay, family issues happen, but at least I have my studies.' Alhamdulillah, I've been a successful student academically. But my mental health struggles have made each term harder than the last. I'm fighting my own inner demons constantly. I have no real friends here. Even people I've known for a while have started to distance themselves. I'm not saying I'm perfect-I know I'm flawed-but I don't understand why this is happening. I've tried to make new connections, even reaching out to a sister I admired and her friends, but it never works out. They never really warm up to me or include me, no matter how kindly I try. This rejection, along with painful memories from a past halal connection that ended and left me hurt, is overwhelming. Every moment now is a genuine struggle. I put on a brave face for my professors and other students, but inside I'm just so sad and bitter, and I often want to cry. I've been in therapy for years, and it feels like nothing is helping. No one seems to truly understand this pain. I'm writing this through tears, in pure agony, and the thought of not wanting to live anymore is present. I'm sorry for sharing all this, but I feel like I have nowhere else to turn and I've lost hope. My only hope is in Allah SWT, that maybe He will pull me out of this one day. I know the Prophets, peace be upon them all, who were far better than us, endured years of tests and trials before relief came. But this pain is so heavy, and it's starting to affect everything I do. I've been strong for so long, and I don't know what else I can do. I miss my mother, father, and sister so much-they're the family I love, and they're all back in Qatar. Please make du'a for me.