Feeling Lost After What My Dad Said About Prayer
As-salamu alaykum everyone, I’m reaching out because I feel really alone and don’t know who to turn to right now. I’m a hijabi woman still living at home with my parents. My siblings have all moved out since I’m the youngest. Lately, I’ve been super busy with work to support myself and help my family financially. I’m starting school next week, Insha'Allah, so my free time will be even less than it already is. I know that’s no excuse, but I’ve been struggling to keep up with my prayers since I live in a mostly white Christian area and I’m a Muslim Arab. My iman feels weak, and sometimes I even think about taking off my hijab. Alhamdulillah, I haven’t, but I’m really struggling with my deen right now. Tonight, while praying Fajr with my parents, my dad said something before we started: "I want you and your mother to remember this always. If you miss your prayers or struggle with them, it’s not because of your difficulties-it’s because Allah (SWT) dislikes meeting you. He doesn’t want to meet or know you. Salah is the meeting place between a person and Allah, so imagine if He removes it from your life. That means He hates meeting you." I immediately broke down crying and felt so hopeless. What’s the point of praying Fajr-the only prayer I don’t miss-if Allah (SWT) doesn’t want to meet me? What’s the point of Islam if Allah (SWT) hates me? If He hates me, I don’t know what else to do except distance myself and disappear. Why should I burden someone who hates me? My dad has a habit of putting himself in Allah’s place and judging others harshly, saying people will definitely go to Jahannam for this or that, while thinking he’s perfect and never makes mistakes. So I tried to remind myself that maybe he was just being harsh again, but I can’t stop crying. Before I went to bed, he said he’ll remind us of this every Fajr from now on. I don’t know if I can keep hearing that without feeling a strong urge to leave Islam. I haven’t stopped crying and it’s already 8 am-I have to go to work soon. I travel a lot for work, and it’s hard to pray when many places have dogs around or I have to focus on work constantly and can’t step away. It’s not a great excuse, but just to give some context. I’d write a summary but I’m just too exhausted from crying. Jazakum Allahu khair for listening.