Feeling defeated by trying to lose weight - a real rant (As-salamu alaykum)
As-salamu alaykum. I am so tired of trying to lose weight. Every time I look in the mirror I hate what I see: a round, chubby face. People keep pinching my cheeks even though I’ve politely asked them to stop hundreds of times. I once snapped and threatened a friend out of frustration - she laughed it off and still does it. My cheeks just remind me of how ugly I feel. Yes, I know I’m not only overweight, I feel ugly too. Please don’t give me empty compliments or psychology buzzwords - I’ve tried that for years and deep down I know I’m lying to myself. At home I might look okay in comfortable clothes, but when I put on my hijab and modest dresses I feel so much bigger. Modern fashion isn’t made for bodies like mine. I am sorry I’m fat. I’m sorry for being an eyesore. I’m sorry for being pathetic and wanting to be better and look nicer. For years I’ve seen dietitians, got checked medically (alhamdulillah nothing serious), joined gyms and classes. I’m 95 kg and 160 cm. About half my weight is muscle and the rest is fat from years of eating cheap, convenient food or skipping meals until I get home. I didn’t have money in college - instant noodles and packaged croissants kept me going. I own this is my responsibility, but losing weight is so painful and HARD. My family treats my weight like a daily scoreboard; if I eat a small chocolate bar I get smirks and comments. In our home, food is rich and homemade (I’m Lebanese), and trying to tell my mother that the food is part of the problem is a battle I can’t win. Measuring a tiny portion of yogurt and a corner of pita is starvation to me. I can’t bring my own food and expect everyone not to touch it - I can’t afford to buy separate meals for the whole house. I have bills and responsibilities as the eldest daughter. Some months I’m fine, other months I’m scraping for bus fare. Gyms are expensive where I live - 50–150$ a month is unrealistic with hyperinflation and low wages. I tried home workouts, but it’s depressing with my family situation, and if I go to a gym with middle-aged ladies they immediately start “advising” me like I never heard of taking care of myself. Thanks, I guess I needed that. I even cover my mirror at my desk so I don’t see the full reflection - just my head to fix my hijab. In July I really committed and ate around 1,151 calories a day, walked a lot, and lost 4 kg in two months. It was the worst period mentally. And then when I relaxed, I gained it all back in two weeks. The cruel thing is you must not only lose weight but keep it off - it feels like a life sentence of restriction and anxiety. I think I have an eating disorder tied to childhood trauma. Growing up we sometimes had almost nothing until my father returned with food; it made food feel chaotic and intense. Alhamdulillah I’m safe now, but the urges and fear remain. I wonder why I still struggle when so many people seem to do it effortlessly. It’s infuriating to see very thin girls complain they “gained 200 grams” while eating bland stuff, and then look at me side-eyed when I have a simple halloumi and cucumber sandwich. I gave up for a while after regaining weight and went back to drawing and freelance work. I ate whatever was cheap and easy to grab so I wouldn’t also have to feed everyone. But I’m still overweight and I hide from photos and ask friends to remove me. It’s embarrassing. Now it’s cold and I need new modest outfits that fit and flatter - finding the right size is another hassle. On the plus side, I don’t have to worry about pregnancy right now - no one’s shown interest except the wrong kinds of people, so alhamdulillah for that. I’m not giving up. My new goal is slow and steady: 1 kg per month, get through Ramadan without gaining, and attend fitness classes three times a week at a cheaper gym I found (about $35). I hope to lose 25 kg in 3–4 years, insha’Allah, and I know my cycle and emotions complicate things. If I don’t make it, I’d like people to say on my grave: “At least she tried.”