Confused and Seeking Allah’s Mercy

Assalamu alaykum - I’m not sure I’ll be very coherent but consider this a call for help. I’m 28F and I’ve been having a really hard time keeping my connection with Allah. I feel so distant - I sometimes don’t even know which way the qiblah is in the place I’ve been living for 8 months. As I drifted away, I also started chasing a relationship just to fill the emptiness, honestly with anyone who showed interest. I used to be proud that I hadn’t engaged in physical intimacy before marriage, but recently I was determined to change that. The only people who seemed interested were online, which felt strange because I used to have no trouble meeting people in real life. Now it’s so hard that I joke with friends, “maybe my future spouse’s prayers for me are really strong.” Not sure if that detail matters, but that’s where I’m at right now. I’m so lonely and sad even though I try to act unbothered in public. I don’t know where to begin repairing my relationship with Allah. Some people say just rip the bandage off and start, but I’m scared to try when I worry I’ll slip away again. Why even bother if I might fail? The thing that hits hardest is that I still wear hijab in front of others - I look like someone practising deen, but I don’t feel like I am. It feels hypocritical and that makes me feel worse. I don’t really know why I’m posting this, but thanks for reading this far and sorry if I’ve wasted your time. Please pray for me, I need guidance and mercy.