Conflicted about starting to wear the hijab, need sisterly advice
As-salamu alaykum sisters, I wanted to share my thoughts and hear your experiences if you don’t mind. Sorry if this gets long, I’m not the best at explaining things. For about two years I’ve felt drawn to wear the hijab, but fear keeps holding me back. I feel guilty sometimes, like I might be displeasing Allah, and I’m ashamed that my nafs, love of this dunya, and what people think have so much influence over me. Insha’Allah I’m planning to go to law school and pursue a career in law. I’ve talked about wearing the hijab with my mother many times - she truly wants what’s best for me and isn’t trying to push me away from deen. She’s worried I might rush into it and then take it off later, so she wants me to be sure. Every time I’ve tried to commit, she’s had reservations and that makes me uncertain because I value her approval a lot. She reminds me I haven’t finished my education yet and that the path ahead is long. She thinks it’ll be harder to advance in my career and that I’ll face more challenges if I wear the hijab now. Deep down I believe Allah is with me and whatever happens is for the best, but I’m scared I won’t be able to handle the difficulties and that my mom might be right. She tells me I dress modestly enough now and suggests wearing hats if I’m not ready to cover my hair fully, but I still feel stuck. I don’t think I dress perfectly modest at the moment - some of my work clothes are tight, especially certain dresses, though I try to cover my shape with a sweater or cardigan. I’m trying to improve, but professional dress options are limited and I don’t have funds for a whole new wardrobe. I don’t want to wear the hijab improperly. I let fear control me before and backed out of wearing it to work when the time came. I work at a law firm that’s fairly accepting, though sometimes colleagues say things I disagree with about Muslims and geopolitics; I’ve mostly stayed out of those conversations. I also worry - maybe selfishly - that my current appearance helps me in subtle ways: professors or employers treating me a bit more kindly because of how I present myself. I know the hijab is beautiful and meaningful, but I fear I’d choose easier-looking options and not look my best if I start wearing it. I’m not outgoing and I’ve leaned on my appearance to compensate for being reserved. I make a lot of dua for guidance and for the right timing to wear it. I’m 22 and feel like this could be the right time - beauty doesn’t last forever. A few weeks ago I actually put the hijab on and it felt so right, but over the weekend fear came back and overwhelmed me. I felt sad thinking about not wearing some clothes I like, like a tight dress I haven’t even worn at this job yet. I know these thoughts trouble me and I’m upset with myself for having them, but I’m not sure how to move forward. Does anyone have advice on balancing career concerns, family worries, modesty in professional settings, and staying true to what you feel Allah is calling you to? How did you handle the fear and practical issues like work clothes or family reactions? JazakAllahu khair for any help or stories you can share.