Broken and Spiritually Exhausted

Assalamu alaikum. I embraced Islam four years ago, and I try so hard to hold my faith above worldly things, but I keep stumbling. I feel like such a failure, like maybe Allah is tired of my constant pleas for forgiveness. My life seems to be going nowhere-I'm jobless, I have a past with same-sex attractions, and I'm fighting a drug addiction. Today I prayed and just broke down crying because I see myself as a disgrace, a wasted life. I don't know what to do anymore. I've even cursed Allah in moments of anger, lied, manipulated others, and I can't seem to escape these haram habits. I try and try, but I fail every time. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to go on living; I'm so defeated, and my life feels awful. I feel like a terrible person, and I'm confused about why I'm still here when I think of myself as an abomination. I guess I'm writing this because I have no other way to admit these things-I'm so ashamed and angry at myself. I really don't know what to do anymore.