Being the Only Hijabi in My Pakistani Family Makes Me Worry About My Future
As-salamu alaykum everyone. I started wearing the hijab three years ago when I was in 9th grade, and now I'm about to graduate high school. In my whole Pakistani family, I'm the only girl who wears it. Over these years, my family has tried to get me to take it off, and I've faced a lot of criticism about how I wear it, but alhamdulillah, it's become a part of me. Every bit of negativity actually made me stronger, and it's been heartwarming when sisters approach me to say I inspire them to take up the hijab too-that makes me so happy. Lately, though, I don't know what's happened. I've started feeling like I'm only keeping it on because of pressure from those who look up to me or fear of being judged if I removed it. I've also been struggling with seeking attention, even though I always lower my gaze around non-mahram men and avoid talking to them. When I see my friends getting attention, I can't help but wish I could be in their spot, even though I know it's wrong. There's also a guy I really like; I stopped talking to him after putting on the hijab, but sometimes I wish I hadn't so I could interact with him and maybe be liked. It's left me feeling like no one could ever love me with the hijab and that I'll never get married, because I've never seen a hijabi married to a guy she loves. I find myself searching online things like 'will I ever get married to the person I want as a hijabi?' Is this silly? It's just how I feel, and it bothers me. I never want to date or attract the wrong attention-I just want to be loved someday too, insha'Allah. Modesty has gotten harder for me too. I still cover all my hair and skin, but I often want to show a bit and feel pretty. Plus, wearing the hijab sometimes makes me feel judged here in Pakistan, where it's seen by some as 'paindu' or too traditional. I KNOW it's crazy to let these fears overshadow my trust in Allah, but I can't help it! I don't know how to feel confident and stop comparing myself to other girls who don't cover their hair. Any advice or support would mean a lot, jazakum Allahu khayran.