Assalamu alaikum - Struggling to Reconnect with Allah and Feeling Lost
Assalamu alaikum, I'm asking for advice as I try to return to Islam and rebuild my relationship with Allah. For about 10 years I (19F) have prayed two things nonstop. In every rakat, during every umrah, and throughout every Ramadan I cried in salah asking Allah to (1) heal my brother/stop him from getting worse and (2) let me get into medicine. My brother has a terminal, degenerative illness with no cure. Over the years he lost sight, speech, hearing and movement. He was first diagnosed around age 10 with minor issues, and I’ve been praying for him ever since. But each year another thing would go, and the diagnosis progressed until he became completely paralysed. This was the first blow to my iman. I kept praying and felt like Allah was ignoring me as he deteriorated. I would wonder how this could happen to a child and why my dua wasn't answered. I kept thinking, I’m not asking for much - just for him to stop getting worse. The second was medicine. I put my whole life into getting into medical school. I isolated myself, studied constantly, and gave up social life to focus on this goal. I paired dua with hard work, and still I didn’t get in. Losing that dream, something I’d worked toward since childhood, utterly broke me. Those two things together crushed my iman. I questioned the point of dua and prayer - why do it if nothing changes? I became angry, stopped praying, and stopped making dua because I lost hope. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in Allah; I do. But I feel His presence more clearly in other people’s lives, and when I try to reach Him I feel ignored. I truly want to return to Islam and strengthen my bond with Allah, but I don’t know where to begin or how to restore my iman. I feel lost and defeated and unsure what to do. I long for a connection with Him but it feels out of reach. If any brothers or sisters have any advice, duas, or steps that helped you, I would be very grateful.