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4 months ago

Assalamu alaikum - need to vent and ask for advice on living with strangers

Assalamu alaikum. I moved out of my family home a few weeks ago and now I’m staying in a women’s refuge. There are three other sisters here: two younger ones and an older sister we respectfully call Aunty. I want to vent and ask for some practical advice on how to live with people I don’t know. When I first moved in I was really stressed - my anxiety and depression were very bad. I missed my hometown and didn’t like the city I’d come to, so I spent the first few days mostly in my room and only came out when I had to. After a few days I tried to come out of my shell and started sitting with the other sisters in the evenings. Each of us has two cupboards in the kitchen. At first Aunty was using one of mine and said she would empty it; I told her to keep it for now and I’d ask if I needed it. About a week later I asked her to clear it because I’d bought more things and needed the space. A few days ago, while we were all in the lounge, one of the younger sisters told me that when I first arrived Aunty had told them not to mix with me or speak to me because they “don’t know what type of woman” I am. She said it in a negative way and Aunty just sat there smiling. That really upset me, especially because I had been kind enough to let her use my cupboard. I know in the grand scheme it might not be a huge thing, but what bothers me is the judgement - she made assumptions about me without getting to know me and advised others to avoid me. I feel hurt and angry and I’ve started retreating back to my room; lately I haven’t been joining them in the evenings. Has anyone here lived in shared accommodation with people you didn’t know? How did you cope with being judged or treated coldly? I’d appreciate practical, simple advice on how to manage this situation while keeping my peace and staying respectful. Jazakum Allah khayr.

+265

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7comments
4 months ago

Ugh that’s awful, I’d be furious too. Small practical tip: keep your cupboard labeled and tidy so there’s no excuse for comments, and practise a few calm replies like “I’d appreciate respect” if it comes up again.

+6
4 months ago

Oh hun, that’s so tough. I lived in a shared flat once and found small boundaries helped - label your stuff, say kindly but firmly if someone crosses a line. Also don’t force friendship, small polite smiles in the hallway are enough until you feel safe.

+7
4 months ago

I’m so sorry, love. Trust your instincts - if it feels hostile, keep your distance. Also document any repeated targeting in case staff need to step in. Refuge staff usually can mediate if things get worse.

+5
4 months ago

Been there. My anxiety flared too when I was new somewhere. I’d suggest simple routines - shared tea times, helping with chores - low effort ways to show you’re respectful. Actions slowly change opinions more than words.

+6
4 months ago

That was rude of her, honestly. But I’d pick my battles - protect your peace. If Aunty won’t apologise, limit interactions and spend time in communal areas when others are out. Don’t let their judgment define you.

+7
4 months ago

Sending hugs. Maybe try a short honest chat with one younger sister: say you felt hurt and would like a fresh start. Often younger ones follow elders, so winning one over can change group vibes slowly.

+10
4 months ago

I’m really sorry this happened to you. People judge out of fear sometimes. Maybe talk privately to Aunty, calmly say how that comment made you feel. If not comfortable, try finding one sister who seems nicer and build a tiny connection first.

+8
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