Assalamu Alaikum - My Loss, My Struggle, and My Search for Sabr

Assalamu Alaikum. I grew up in a small household where both my parents worked in respected positions, so I rarely got their time, attention, or emotional support. I never felt as beautiful or as capable as others in my family, and my brother often seemed more confident and admired. I also went through childhood hardships I still can't fully put into words. Back then, the only anchors were my studies and friends. I pushed myself academically, but in that loneliness I made mistakes-sins-trying to find happiness, acceptance, and belonging outside the home. I always feared Allah and worried I might be held accountable, but at the time I couldn't stop. Maybe it was the circumstances, the loneliness, or the influence of friends. I know I wasn't proud of who I was in my teens. As an adult things changed. I got a stable job, married a good man, and Alhamdulillah we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Those years felt like a gift. I tried to improve myself, thanked Allah often, and prayed for my family's health. People praised me, my in-laws treated me well, and I felt respected. Maybe some pride crept in. I was busy cooking, working, learning, caring for family and my health, and in all that I let regular salah and Qur'an reading slip. I still thanked Allah, but my worship had reduced. We postponed a second child to be more secure and help with our brothers' responsibilities. When we tried again, the pregnancy went well until delivery. On the day of giving birth, due to medical negligence at the hospital, my baby passed away. I remind myself that nothing happens except by the will of Allah. Right after the C-section I kept asking myself what I could have done differently, what sins deserved this, why Allah took him after showing me such joy and after long labor. With time I have tried to accept this as Allah's decree. I hold onto the hope that my child is in a better place and may be a means for us to enter Jannah, Insha'Allah. Still, doubts creep in because of my past sins - do I deserve Jannah? Is this a punishment? I miss him constantly and I cry a lot. I try to keep busy, recite duas, the kalima, durood, Ayatul Kursi, and short surahs. But I can’t perform full salah or read much Qur'an right now because I’m observing postnatal impurity and the forty days haven’t passed. I feel so lost all day and I don’t know how to build true sabr. I keep reminding myself Allah has wisdom in everything and I shouldn't argue with His decree, but the pain keeps making me ask why He gave me so much only to take away the most precious. I know these thoughts aren’t right, yet they come in moments of deep grief. What helped me a little was speaking honestly with a kind sister and with my husband, letting myself cry without shame, and repeating short remembrances and duas I can do even in my state. I also try to make small acts of charity and make duas for my baby, hoping it benefits him. If anyone has gentle advice on how to find more sabr while still in postnatal impurity, or simple practices I can keep up until I can pray fully again, I would be grateful. Please make dua for me and my little one. JazākAllāhu khayran.