Asking for guidance - feeling torn about my faith
Assalamu alaikum, I'm a 15yo brown hijabi girl in the UK and lately I've been having a hard time with my deen. First, people keep saying Islam is patriarchal and oppressive to women - stuff like a woman's testimony being half a man's and that covering up (hijab, niqab) is misogynistic. I hear the line “women cover for Allah not for men,” but then why don't we wear hijab at home? I hope that makes sense. Also, everything's considered tabarruj according to some folks - heels, perfume, makeup. I never learned makeup so I don't wear it, but perfume? I don't want to smell bad. I'm exhausted with certain Muslim men telling me exactly how to live. I know they mean well and want to advise, but sometimes it pushes me away. Then there are intrusive thoughts like, “what if I left Islam?” or “imagine all the things I could do.” Every time I have those thoughts I feel awful. I'm also worried about my non-Muslim friends. I've met so many lovely people who aren't Muslim and they mean a lot to me, but I feel dread thinking they might end up in Jahannam. I heard that once you're in Jannah you won't feel sadness for those in Hell, but I can't imagine not missing people who supported me. I don't think I can convince them to accept Islam - it's looked down on here sometimes, and Muslims have a bad reputation in England, plus many of them are dating or have lifestyles that don't fit Islamic values. Please say something comforting. About queer people: I'm straight and grew up not hating anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. I've had kind interactions and friends who identified differently. I used to watch queer media but try to avoid romance now because it feels haram and I'm not into it. I feel for Muslims who struggle with same-sex attraction. I understand that Islam teaches marriage is between a man and a woman, but I wonder why attraction exists if it's not allowed. Will people still have same-sex feelings in Jannah? I get confused when I think about it. I also constantly compare myself to other Muslims. One friend prays five times, never misses, and has memorised over 50 surahs while I struggle to memorise even 10. It makes me want to cry. Why can't I be like her? She moved from Bangladesh a few years ago and seems so disciplined; another friend who grew up here also prays consistently, even her nine-year-old sister. I feel like I'm failing. If you've read this thank you so much. I really need advice. Deep down I don't want to leave Islam - I love Allah (swt), fasting and prayer make me feel good - but I need someone to talk to. It's weighing on me and affecting my peace of mind.