Asking for Forgiveness After a Slip - Need Reassurance, Please
As-salaam alaykum, I’m a first-time mum to a toddler and I’m stuck in a marriage that’s been abusive on and off. My husband has physically hurt me at times and there’s emotional and mental abuse too. I can’t find peace even at my parents’ place because of their own issues, so everything gets piled on me and I become more triggered. Please don’t tell me to leave - I’ve tried before and ended up back with him. I do think about leaving again, but right now I need help with something else. Lately everything has been so heavy. I’m always on edge when he’s home and I go into this kind of freeze mode to survive for my son. It’s affecting me physically now. I pray five times a day (though Fajr is often late). Even if it’s only the fardh, I try my best. I do morning and evening adhkar; I have Hisnul Muslim and I’ve memorised many of the adhkar from repeating them while rocking my son or cooking. I don’t use foul language, generally, but recently a swear slipped out maybe once a week or less. Today I’m overwhelmed with guilt and fear of Allah’s punishment. I had Hisnul Muslim on my lap while setting up my phone for my son to watch something as I was feeding him. He likes flipping through the pages. My phone took a while to load and out of frustration I muttered an oath - and only then realised the book was in my lap. I’m terrified that Allah is angry with me and will punish me. I try so hard to pray, to be good, to keep peace, and yet when I slip I feel so scared and wonder if Allah wants me at all. I love Allah, but I feel like He must be displeased. I see others doing wrong and seemingly living fine, and I remind myself everyone has tests - I pray ease and blessings for everyone. But right now I’m losing hope: despite my prayers and efforts, my mental state is slipping. I know I could leave and, Alhamdulillah, there are legal protections here, but breaking this trauma bond is really hard. It’s a cycle from what I saw growing up. I blame myself and feel like I’ve failed my son. Right now, though, my specific fear is about swearing with Hisnul Muslim there. Is this something that makes me liable for severe punishment? Is there any scholar (Alim or Alima) or knowledgeable sister who can reassure me? I’m planning to pray two rak’ahs nafl right now and ask Allah for forgiveness. JazakAllahu khayran for reading and for any advice or comforting words. Sorry this was long.