Asking for Dua - Feeling Lost After My Marriage Ended

As-salamu alaykum. I’m too afraid to share this where men might see it, and I know it’s not ideal to expose private matters, but I’m reaching a breaking point and need to get this out. After another day when I had a public meltdown realizing I couldn’t afford a doctor-ordered blood test for possible diabetes and had to leave without it, I feel completely hopeless. My situation now is largely because of how my marriage unfolded over the last three years, and I feel so lost and ashamed and cry a lot. About six months after I reverted, I had major conflicts at home - constant screaming over things like my prayer, wearing hijab, and fasting. My parents were very opposed to my practicing Islam (they are extremely conservative Christians). I was told repeatedly to marry quickly so I could live somewhere I could practice my religion without daily fights. That advice came from online sheikhs and other online spaces, and looking back I can see relying so much on online guidance was a mistake. I believed I chose carefully and didn’t see red flags before the Nikah, but I also followed advice to not delay and not spend too long speaking before marriage. One month wasn’t enough time to truly know him, and I convinced myself that if I did everything “right,” it couldn’t become abusive. May Allah forgive me - I have hardly anyone to talk to and some days I can’t see any hope. We moved to a place too far from my company and I left my job. I thought being away from a mixed workplace would be rewarded, so I ignored doubts. I expected to be added to his health insurance, but that became a huge fight; I spent periods uninsured and embarrassed to look into programs like COBRA or Medicaid because it would shame him. (I’m in the US, and without insurance medical bills can mean homelessness; this is why I’m so scared about not being able to afford care.) He did add me to his insurance for a short time - two months - and I’m grateful for that, but now I’m uninsured again and a government shutdown is blocking opportunities to get help. I’ve had many health problems while married that I didn’t push to address because he questioned me and doctors didn’t listen, and now I’m paying the price: a lump in my face I can’t scan, a high glucose result I couldn’t follow up on, and decaying teeth I can’t afford to treat. Smaller issues I tolerated started escalating after I left my job. Visits to my parents became fights - he would accuse me of shirk or kufr because I wouldn’t cut my mother out for the sake of religion, and he’d pressure me to explain away missed visits as my fault. Comments about not trusting friends turned into threats to ban my internet use, so I stopped talking to people. I gave up hobbies I loved - painting, reading, gaming, spending time with my cats - because he said they were a waste of time or not appropriate. Eventually I only cooked, cleaned, mended clothes, studied Arabic, and read Quran. I prayed each day for those hobbies to bring me the same joy; they didn’t, and my depression worsened. I’d already struggled with severe depression and anxiety and had been on medication; he pressured me to stop medication and refused to support mental health care, so I stopped. I say this because I ended our marriage through Khula - there were worse things that happened, and I won’t detail them here, but some of it would likely be triggering. Early on he began pressuring me about marital relations even when I was unwell; what was verbal pressure became physical forcing, and I left soon after that began. He threatened harm at times; once he threatened to end my life with a specific method and I was genuinely terrified. I couldn’t bring myself to ask for divorce in front of him; I feared he would act on threats. I ran away one day and later told him I wouldn’t be alone with him and that I wanted my father present if an Imam was involved. He refused to involve family or an Imam and demanded I take back my intention to separate; I refused and gave Khula. I never received my mahr, and I left everything he’d bought behind. The Khula is finalized now, though he refused an Imam’s involvement, and I’m terrified about whether it was done properly and what that means for my akhirah. I keep asking Allah for forgiveness and I’m filled with guilt. I know this is one-sided and many would judge me harshly. I recognize my own shortcomings: my untreated mental health meant I had panic attacks, I threw things and screamed, and I understand why some would say I was difficult. I did do things that were sinful and I don’t want to excuse myself. I’m not seeking a debate about whether I was right to leave; I ask Allah to forgive me. I’m not planning to marry again. It’s been a bit over a month since I left and I can’t emotionally cope. I see how much my life was affected: I’m back with my parents but with no job, no income, no healthcare, and struggling mentally. I’m applying for jobs every day and will seek healthcare as soon as possible, but it feels hopeless. I lie about why I lost my job and say it was because I moved - I can’t talk about the truth without breaking down. I’m ashamed and isolated; I cut off friends and feel they’re right to resent me. I know I stayed in an emotionally abusive situation and that choice has consequences. I’m so sad and hate myself. Please, sisters - if you are enduring treatment that makes you feel this miserable, don’t ignore signs of abuse like I did. Don’t believe advice that says you must put yourself in danger to earn Jannah. Islam is not about perpetual misery. I pray to Allah for strength, forgiveness, and guidance. Any duas would mean so much.