Asking: Does Allah hate me? I'm so lost and exhausted
Assalamu alaykum. I don't know where to begin, but I feel like I'm drowning and I need to get this out. There’s a strong chance I'm autistic and I've battled depression for as long as I can remember. I'm not young anymore, I'm from the Middle East, and I don't have any real friends. Back home I never fit in. The social pressures, family expectations and traditions wore me down - mentally and emotionally. I started isolating, and people assumed I thought I was better than them. Just to be clear, by “fit in” I don't mean wanting a Western lifestyle - it's just how my personality is. I was unemployed for a long time and couldn't get jobs I was fully qualified for. Eventually I took a temporary position because I was desperate and felt like a failure. My boss turned out to be a pervert and he molested me. I froze and I told no one. Months later I found out the person who told me about the job was involved, and my world collapsed. I haven't seen her in six years, but we reconnected online and it hit me hard. I was vomiting, couldn't sleep or eat for months. Eventually I told my dad and little by little I started to recover. After years of applying, I finally got a partial scholarship and left. My parents saw how miserable I was and wanted me to be happy. I tried to socialize and meet people. Most were Arabs and Muslims, but they seemed to dislike me and held grudges for no clear reason. Women talked behind my back, plotted against me, wished me to fail and to return to my country. A man approached me supposedly for marriage talks; after speaking for two hours I realized we weren't compatible and told him so. He reacted badly, told his friends, and they began trashing my name and spreading lies that I’m promiscuous. They also judged me because I’m light-skinned - even accusing me of “looking like” other groups and saying they’d never marry someone like me. A girl overheard and used it to manipulate me, gaslighting me by hinting there was worse truth she wouldn’t say so my mind would fill in the blanks. I tried to confide in a woman from my own country and she sided with the others. After that I stopped speaking to anyone I met here. I watch people who hurt me and it seems Allah has blessed them with support, friends, jobs, money and happy families, while I cry myself to sleep wishing I wouldn't wake up. Why does Allah hate me so much? Life has been nothing but pain and disappointment - no success in friendships, career, money, nothing. I'm grateful for my health, but what use is it if I can't live? Muslims even refused to believe I'm Muslim because of my color and questioned my faith just for praying. They acted like it was strange that I worship. On top of all this, I can't feel Allah anymore - I feel distant and unheard. I kept trying to find work so I could stay here; life here suits me better and I feel more at ease. I finally got a job, but after three months I was terminated. My savings are nearly gone and it looks like I might have to return home. I can't face society there - relatives, neighbours and their nosy questions about why I still haven't found a stable job or gotten married. The pressure is crushing. I don't know what to do. I keep asking Allah for help but I feel empty. I don't want to go back to that life, but I don't know how to change my situation. If anyone who reads this has been through something similar or has advice - how do I reconnect with my faith, find stability, and stop feeling like Allah hates me? Jazakum Allah khair.