Asalamualaikum - I'm Afraid I'll Never Learn What I Need
Asalamualaikum. When I was a kid, around 5–12, I was really lazy and not interested in Islam. My family tried to get me to pray and memorize Quran, but I resisted, Astaghfirullah. I would rush my salah and get distracted. When I opened the Quran I felt bored and uninterested. I remember my mother crying and begging me to start praying and read Quran; she even asked if I wanted her to go to hell, and that made me feel awful. Still, I felt disconnected. In 2019 some humbling events brought me back to Allah, alhamdulillah, and since then I've been praying regularly. But after finishing high school I'm stressed about how little Islamic knowledge I have. I don't know all the names of Allah or the prophets, peace be upon them. I only know about 10 surahs. I learned Al-Kafirun in 2020, Al-Qariah in 2023, and Al-Quraysh, Al-Nasr, Masad and Ma'un in 2025. In six and a half years I haven't made the progress I hoped for, and I feel ashamed. My Arabic hasn't improved either. I could've been much further along, but I'm not. What hurts most is knowing I could do better but can't stop procrastinating. I waste time endlessly scrolling YouTube and other apps. I dropped out of college a year and a half ago because I felt overwhelmed, and since then I've had a lot of free time-but I used it poorly. I keep doomscrolling, stressing about things beyond my control, and not taking steps to grow. I'm worried that if I go back to school and get a job, I might never find time to seek knowledge. That thought terrifies me. How can I help my community, strengthen the ummah, raise my children as practicing Muslims, and protect my family from fitnah if I don't even know the basics? I feel lost and don't know what to do. If anyone has advice, practical steps, or reminders to share, I would be grateful and will try them. JazakAllahu khairan.