As-salamu alaykum - She blocked me after I asked some questions
As-salamu alaykum. She posted about how beautiful it is to experience a deep, soulful love with a husband. I asked how that’s possible when, for example, you catch him staring at other women - something that happens a lot with men. She replied that you can only have a deep, soulful love with yourself and with Allah, that you need financial independence, a career, and to love yourself before marriage. Fine - then why make a video praising this deep, soulful love with a husband if it’s not really attainable? No answer. She also said it was just my insecurities talking and asked why I’d care if my husband glanced at other women as long as he didn’t do it openly in front of me. I asked why that advice suddenly ignored the Islamic teaching that men should lower their gaze. Now it’s suddenly acceptable for men to stare, and I’m somehow the problem for feeling uncomfortable? Isn’t that a kind of pick-me mentality - being told to be grateful you were chosen and not to mind if he ogles other women? Where is the line? Should we ignore if he’s looking at inappropriate images or flirting, so long as we don’t know about it? She blocked me. I’m starting to understand how some sisters seem so content in their marriages - they prefer denial, ignorance, or they dismiss concerns by using non-Islamic talking points when challenged. I expected a thoughtful, nuanced reply from a mature, married Muslim woman, not to be blocked. I don’t want to be the kind of woman who assumes her husband will always be an ideal, respectful Muslim and then discovers months into marriage he’s staring at other women. That would disgust me - the same way it disgusts me if another woman’s husband stared at me. There’s a difference between respectful, normal interaction and staring, ogling, or creepy behaviour. My worry is I can’t imagine being married and feeling completely secure, feeling deep love without anxiety, because I don’t know how he behaves when I’m not there. I don’t know how he’ll act if I fall ill, after we have children, or when I age and am less conventionally attractive. We can’t predict the future or know anyone fully. That’s why our hearts belong first to Allah, not to men. I understand that. But then why act as if relationships with men can always be that deep and untroubled? How can you fully trust someone inherently prone to desire, whose weakness may be other women? Especially if you can’t simply be naively oblivious or pretend you’re fine with behavior that makes you lose respect for him.